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Thread ID: 137046	2014-05-18 22:08:00	Monday Laughs:....More from the archive + taxi drivers etc................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1375174	2014-05-18 22:08:00	. . Two from the archive for starters: I was in Countdown buying a couple of large bags of Tux for our dog Hoover, so named because he sucks up food and money at an incredible rate, and I was in the 12 items or less checkout line when the woman behind me in the queue asked if I had a dog......D'oh! I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her no, actually I was starting the Tux Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because last time I'd ended up in hospital. I told her I had woken up in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms, but that up until then I'd lost 20 kg on the diet so it was worth trying it again. Her eyes about bugged out of her head, so I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying everything I told her. I said that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works was simplicity itself You just load your pockets or purse with Tux biscuits and every time you feel hungry you simply eat one or two, and that they actually tasted quite good once you got used to them. I told her that the packaging said the food was nutritionally complete and balanced, and since I needed to lose more weight, I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.) Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....What happened was I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. The tall guy went down in a heap, and I thought he was going to have to be carried out the door! ********************************* The Otara Earthquake A major earthquake, measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Otara, Auckland, in the early hours of last Wednesday morning. News of the disaster was swiftly spread by the distressed barking of the area's 35,000 unchipped Dobermans, Pitbulls, Staffies and various unidentifiable cross-breeds, while dazed victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "wowozat?" and "orsum bro". Many locals were visibly distressed to have been woken before their DPB had been credited to their accounts. The earthquake decimated the town, causing $1099.99 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from McDonalds were written off and the Otahuhu Station car park was damaged beyond repair, with three acres of historically important burnt-out cars thrown into chaos. Radio Manukau reported that hundreds of residents were confused, bewildered, and having difficulty in coming to terms with the fact that something interesting had actually happened in Otara. One resident, 15 year old mother of three, Tarara Boum te-Ae, said "I was still shaking when I was watching Oprah the next day." Rising to the challenge, locals were determined to carry on business as usual, and lootings, muggings and car crime continued virtually without interruption. Relief Efforts: Rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from The Warehouse and bone china from the $2 Shop, and so far the Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 cartons of Lion Red to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals. CAN YOU HELP?????? Please respond generously to our appeal for donations of goods to help the victims of this disaster. Clothing and footware are needed most of all - especially: * Baseball caps * Hoodies * Tracksuit tops (his or hers) * White sport socks * Nike shoes or white gumboots * Jandals Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but your efforts will make a difference. Microwave meals, baked beans, chippies, ice-cream and cans of Mountain Dew or V are ideal. Please do not send anything that needs peeling. Most urgently required is tinned dog food, and please throw in some extra cans for the hungry pit-bulls and dobermans. Remember: * $2 buys a standard blue ballpoint for filling in compensation claims. * $10 buys chips, chicken nuggets and blue fizzy drink for 3 toddlers or 2 pre-schoolers. * $30 will pay for a pack of 20 ciggies and a lighter to calm a child's nerves. * $40 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, a box of matches and a packet of papers for the older generation. * $50 will buy enough tinnies to settle down the adults into their normal levels of inertia. * $100 will buy sufficient spray cans in various colours to restore the damaged "Street Art" on shop fronts and public buildings, and to redecorate the local motorway bridges. Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight on TV news of such flash housing may cause discontent in the unaffected West Auckland communities. ********************************* A taxi driver reaches the Pearly Gates. (I know, unlikely, but stay with me.....) St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that taxi driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than him!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are only interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When that taxi driver drove his cab, people prayed." ********************************* A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner. Catholic: “I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!” Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!” Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!” They then all wait for the Jew to speak.... The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says: “I'm not selling!!!...” ********************************* I once knew a stand-up comedian who was born with no legs. He was fired for sitting down on the job. He argued with the Boss but got nowhere, so he went to an Employment Lawyer. No joy there either, the Lawyer said he didn’t have a leg to stand on………… Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1375175	2014-05-18 22:31:00	Countdown and Otara ... priceless! :lol: Not to mention Tarara Boum te-Ae :lol::lol:	WalOne (4202)
1375176	2014-05-19 08:24:00	It was a wonderful scene of a taxi driver.	sawan20 (17249)
1375177	2014-05-19 22:03:00	Oldies but goodies... here's another... *** Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."	lordnoddy (3645)
1375178	2014-05-21 01:28:00	While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ... Today, you voted." Our turn later this year :D	WalOne (4202)
1375179	2014-05-21 08:45:00	While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ... . The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ... Today, you voted." Our turn later this year :D And don't waste it on the idiot incumbents	gary67 (56)
1375180	2014-05-21 21:47:00	Apparently Dotcom's Wife (soon to be ex) is going back to her maiden name Dotcodotnz :D	lordnoddy (3645)
1375181	2014-05-22 02:14:00	And one more... it's more interesting than funny, but I thought it a really good read; *** Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history. They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery... If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot... They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low. The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's : Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!" Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence: a "thresh hold". (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Bread was divided according to status.. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust". Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; “holding a wake." England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and re-use the grave. When re-opening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer."	lordnoddy (3645)
1375182	2014-05-22 07:15:00	And don't waste it on the idiot incumbents But, but, - - what other sort of incumbent do we get?	R2x1 (4628)
1375183	2014-05-22 07:46:00	1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer." Nice idea, but the grateful undead would have suffocated within minutes of closing the coffin. If the coffin maker was shonky they might have lasted an hour or two, but once dropped in the hole it would be curtains! I haven't looked it up, but I suspect it will be in 'Adam's suburban myths' list along with virgin births and honest politicians. Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
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