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Thread ID: 137322 2014-06-23 00:00:00 Monday Laughs:......Parental wisdom, and advice on celebrating aging...... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1377677 2014-06-23 00:00:00 .
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The Things We Owe Our Parents

1. Our Parents taught us TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE ..
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning."

2. Our Parents taught us RELIGION.
"You better pray that stuff will come out of the carpet."

3. Our Parents taught us about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't cut that out, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. Our Parents taught us LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. Our Parents taught us MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that tree and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with us."

6. Our Parents taught us FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. Our Parents taught us IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. Our Parents taught us about the science of OSMOSIS..
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

9. Our Parents taught us about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. Our Parents taught us about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that broccoli is gone."

11. Our Parents taught us about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

1 2. Our Parents taught us about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

1 3. Our Parents taught us the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."

1 4. Our Parents taught us about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

1 5. Our Parents taught us about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

1 6. Our Parents taught us about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

1 7. Our Parents taught us about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

1 8. Our Parents taught us MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

1 9. Our Parents taught us ESP.
"Put your jersey on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. Our Parents taught us HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to us."

21. Our Parents taught us HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

2 2. Our Parents taught us GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

2 3. Our Parents taught us about our ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

2 4. Our Parents taught us WISDOM.
"When you get to be our age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:

2 5. Our Parents taught us about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

*********************************


A little 'kids' light humour

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Touching the man's hand, he said: 'I know how you feel. My Mum makes me ride in the stroller too!'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.

Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a paediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunisation shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed.
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behaviour.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mummies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?'
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him 'I'm going to Iraq.'

'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

*********************************


I'm feeling philosophical today....................:2cents:


By an Anonymous Columnist:

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 40 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch....

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

9. Save for retirement, starting with your first pay packet.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

1 2. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

1 3. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

1 4. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it..

1 5. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but you needn't worry until it happens.

1 6. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

1 7. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

1 8. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

1 9. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special!.

2 2. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

2 3. Be eccentric now. Don't wait until old age to wear purple.

2 4. The most important sex organ is the brain.

2 5. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

2 6. . Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

2 7. Always choose life.

2 8. Forgive everyone for everything.

2 9. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

3 2. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

3 3. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.

3 4. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

3 5. Your children get only one childhood.

3 6. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

3 7. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

3 8. . If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

3 9. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

40. The best is yet to come....


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1377678 2014-06-23 06:23:00 Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when through a gap in the door he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off ...first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move and lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says "what the heck are you doing Billy Bob!?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejesus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob, "but me and the Ole lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."


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Two antennas met on a roof,*
fell in love and got married.*
The ceremony wasn't much,*
but the reception was excellent. 		tutaenui (1724)
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