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Thread ID: 137286	2014-06-17 11:23:00	Belated Monday Laughs:...Demands of business, worth waiting for? ................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1377351	2014-06-17 11:23:00	. . Two businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their 'soon-to-be' new shop. As yet the premises were not yet ready for trading, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling. "No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes. Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “You must be doing well..... Only two left ! ." Don't mess with old people ! ! ! ********************************* A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him. So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office. Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest. The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted. "I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said. "I see," the Head Scientist said...... that is disappointing news.... "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly." ********************************* A lady had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the toilet, came out, and realised that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the Vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She wasn't happy with that, so she asked him to perform another test to be sure. The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked around the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''. The lady was upset at the news, but said ''Ok, how much do I owe you?'' The Vet said ''$300'' She said, ''What ! ? ! ? How could it cost that much??'' The Vet said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan to confirm my diagnosis'' ********************************* Little Johnny... The Way You Think Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?" Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left." Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think." Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?" Teacher: "Sure." Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?" Teacher: "The one sucking the cone." Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think." ********************************* And I'll leave you with this thought............ You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone ! Toilet paper is a good example ! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1377352	2014-06-18 01:38:00	The Things I Owe My Parents 1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning." 2. My Parents taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My Parents taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My Parents taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper" 9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My Parents taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My Parents taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My Parents taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My Parents taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My Parents taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." And my favourite: 25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"	Cicero (40)
1377353	2014-06-18 01:54:00	Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? ..... The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. ..... The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet! Ken :clap	kenj (9738)
1377354	2014-06-18 01:59:00	Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! .. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"	tutaenui (1724)
1377355	2014-06-18 02:05:00	"Master, Master! .. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" NO!!! BAD TUTAENUI!!!	lordnoddy (3645)
1377356	2014-06-18 04:36:00	..... The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. ..... The SECOND is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet! This is not untrue. I had been to docs, been for my xray but had yet to hear the (expected) diagnosis of arthritis, and had taken one of the cats down to my favorite vet. She had some in her lower spine apparently. He noticed my limping, I mentioned I had it too, and he suggested some (human) medications available down at a nearby chemist. LOL. As for surgery, it's not automatic, it can take longer than 6 months to even see a surgeon, never mind qualify for surgery....usually you don't until you can't walk at all. Vets, well, of course, you have to pay for it ..... .	pctek (84)
1377357	2014-06-18 04:56:00	Vets, well, of course, you have to pay for it...... The difference here is that with the vet you only actually pay if he treats the complaint. With the people health system it is totally non discriminatory, you pay whether you are treated or not. In fact you pay exactly the same if you're not even crook. The services that enable you to jump a year or two up the queue can be a bit eye-wateringly expensive in the blink of an eye.	R2x1 (4628)
1377358	2014-06-18 06:22:00	As for surgery, it's not automatic, it can take longer than 6 months to even see a surgeon, never mind qualify for surgery....usually you don't until you can't walk at all.. That has not been our experience, in fact we have seen a dramatic improvement in the public health system over a year or more of consultations. In Mrs T's case, from the wait for appointments after referral by our GP, to the on-time consultation, and then the speed of follow-up for surgery, and finally, a full briefing back to the GP so that she is fully informed for follow-up treatment. It is all happening at near to private hospital speed, and the surgeon did more than he said he would do (looked at and scraped two knee joints instead of just one) and he has scheduled two full knee replacements within 12 months if requested via our GP. The new surgery program seems to be working exceptionally well and the service from all staff is totally professional. My own experiences are fewer, but equally encouraging, appointments are on time, staff great, you couldn't ask for more. Must be a regional issue... Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
1377359	2014-06-18 22:15:00	"Master, Master! .. The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" :groan:	WalOne (4202)
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