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Thread ID: 137439	2014-07-08 11:15:00	Monday Laughs:....Better late than never................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1378813	2014-07-08 11:15:00	. . A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is; didn't have time to get you both a present." "Not to worry," said the Dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present...Sorry." "It's nothing," said the Father, "Glad you were able to be here." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything." Again the Father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had all finished dessert, the Father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time, and this anniversary dinner seems to me to be the most appropriate time. You see, he went on, when your Mother and I first met we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your Mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married." The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bstards?" "Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones, too!" ****************************** In the year 2014, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Auckland, New Zealand, as an illegal immigrant and sayeth, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark Noah, and save two of every living thing, along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Noah was dubious about the project, because unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights is normal out west in Auckland where he had pitched his tent, but he knew he must bow to the will of the Lord. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his revered quarter acre section....but no ark. "Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed since the days of the first deluge. This time I needed a building consent from the council! I've been arguing with the Fire Service about the need for a sprinkler system, my neighbours claim that I've violated the zoning laws by building the Ark on my property and exceeding the height limitations, then we then had to go to Arbitration for a decision. Next the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. Lord I argued in your name that the sea would cometh to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Acquiring the wood was another problem. The Greens have placed a ban on cutting local timber in order to save the Kiwi. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the birds. But no go there either! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Our local Hapu have forbidden the project to continue unless taniwha are permitted free access to the Ark, and indigenous tribes insist that I gift them half of my Ark, yea even after I have conceived, designed and built it. They have also claimed $50 Billion for resettlement costs after inundation as compensation for depriving Maori of traditional lands by means of inundation, which they allege, is simply a case of "unholy colonisation". I am bogged down in further negotiations on multimillion payments for rights to sail the Ark on the seas of Aotearoa. Other tribes have sued me because they claim that the Ark is a Pakeha version of the Maori waka and they have appealed to the Waitangi Tribunal to declare it eithere copyright or tapu, then the Environmental Court ruled that I couldn't build the Ark at all until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many Maori I'm supposed to hire for my building crew and the requirement for a separate female toilet block in case I hire a woman, and the Shipbuilding and Maritime Unions are saying I can't use my sons to help me construct tthis Ark, they insist I hire only Shipbuilders Union workers with what sounded like 'plenty of arking building experience' (but they were all shouting at once so I don't know what it was) and now they expect a day in leiu if we work weekends or public holidays plus back-dated holiday pay and rain allowances, but nobody is even working yet! OSH has paid a site visit and decreed that each employee must be equipped with a life jacket and personal life raft even though we are building up at Waiatarua where the TV station was, (whatever TV is, they didn't mention it in Genesis, or even Revelations) and when I pointed out that rain capes would be more use, they just said that I also had to provide ice axes and climbing boots for each employee and their families, plus harnesses because they might be working at a height of more than 3 metres. Then to make matters worse, Inland Revenue seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally and smuggling endangered species. At first the National government was in favour of my project because they said it created building jobs on our mountain. Then they were shocked out of complacency by an opinion poll which revealed that 99% of all New Zealanders opposed a devastating flood, and after an emergency cabinet meeting, John Key announced that National had never favoured floods as a means of solving problems and was totally opposed to the project (unless future opinion polls revealed popular support for the Ark, what with it being election year and all that!). He said that he had changed his mind and that "God should sit down and talk sensibly with us about the issues, and he was willing to set a date after his next holiday in Hawaii". So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least fifty years for me to finish your Ark, and I just can't be bothered." said Noah, then suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world as we know it?" "No," said the Lord. "The National Government beat me to it." ***************************** Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable? The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is very big. She'll read it very slowly, com-for-da-bul." ******************************* Sticking to the quasi-religious-ish theme A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1378814	2014-07-08 20:55:00	Good to see you are still on the job Billy. I get concerned when you are late :)	CliveM (6007)
1378815	2014-07-08 22:28:00	Good to see you are still on the job Billy. I get concerned when you are late :) I appreciate your concerned interest Clive, it is nice to know that the PF1 community cares. Actually, I'm fine, but I've had a sudden burst of interest in one of my more exotic areas of expertise, so I'm juggling Oz court cases at present. They are good earners, so I give them top priority and the Barrister was waiting so I had to drop everything else. This year has been busy business-wise so far, hence the unusual number of late postings, but never mind, there's seven Mondays in my week (at least that's the way I feel) so there is always hope. :D Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1378816	2014-07-08 22:46:00	Great to hear business is booming for you Billy T! Thanks for the laughs... "come-for-da-bull" that's awesome. I don't know if I've posted these before but still good - Anti jokes anyone? (No offense to anyone) ** Q: Why'd the boy fall of the swing? A: He had no arms * Q: Why'd the girl drop her ice-cream? A: She got hit by a bus * Q: What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas? A: Cancer * Q: What's worse than a worm in your apple? A: The holocaust * Q: How do you make a plumber cry? A: Kill his family * A guy walks into a bar... he's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family... * Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Fck her Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: "Where's my tractor?"	lordnoddy (3645)
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