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Thread ID: 137831	2014-08-25 02:12:00	Monday Laughs:...Immutable Laws, medicine etc, and a bagpiper................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1382456	2014-08-25 02:12:00	. . IMMUTABLE LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE... Law of Mechanical Repair: Immediately after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Laws of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Laws of Retrieval Odds: The chances for recovery of a dropped component are inversely proportional to its replaceability. Law of the Telephone: When dialling international, wrong numbers are never busy. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Law of Peverse Opposition: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Baths' Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of crossing paths with someone you would rather not meet increases when you are with someone with whom you don't want to be seen. Law of the Obverse Result: When trying to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Coffee's Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly proportional to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. ********************************* The Wedding Night: A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "Why are your feet so gross?" "I had Tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean Polio?" she asked. No, Tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had Kneasles," he explained. "You mean Measles?" she asked. "No, Kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess........... "Smallcox?" ********************************* A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: I'm 7 feet 6 inches tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. When he's fully awake again, the big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy gasps, "Turner Brown"?!!! ................I thought you said, "Turn around"! ********************************* He didn't like the casserole And he didn't like my cake. He said my biscuits were too hard... Not like his Aunty made. I didn't perk the coffee right He didn't like the stew, I didn't wash plates the way, his sister used to do. I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue........... Then I turned around and whacked him... Like his mother used to do ********************************* The Bagpiper As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a little used cemetery in the back country out of Dunedin. My GPS was on the fritz, so not being familiar with the area, I got lost. Being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions, and when I finally arrived I was an hour late. The hearse was nowhere in sight so the funeral guy had evidently gone and there were only the grave diggers left. They were eating lunch, and I felt really bad so I apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and a fresh concrete vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man, and as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. Then, as I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." I'm still lost. Apparently it's a man thing. Cheers BIlly 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1382457	2014-08-25 04:31:00	Good ones Billy :thanks	WalOne (4202)
1382458	2014-08-25 07:24:00	GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. "Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!" Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1382459	2014-08-25 23:32:00	A sex therapist received a letter from a disturbed client "I got married a few months ago and was quite surprised the demands my new husband put on me! He must be oversexed or whatever it is called because he thinks that sex should be on demand as he requires. All day long, all night long, when out in the car he will pull over to the roadside and have his wicked way with me. When I am cooking a meal as well, making the beds, doing housework and many other times. It is getting so frequent that I almost dread it when we are alone for I know what comes next. Please help me!! I just don't know who to turn to for help P.S. Please excuse the shaky writing!! Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1382460	2014-08-27 04:48:00	Heh <Orbixx|Work> We just got hold of a workmate's phone as he went out on a break. We composed an SMS to all his contacts reading: <Orbixx|Work> "I know your secret. Cant talk now. Chat later." <Orbixx|Work> 3 replies so far. <Orbixx|Work> He isn't back yet. <Orbixx|Work> Brace for impact.	Agent_24 (57)
1382461	2014-08-27 05:16:00	Heh I smell bash.org haha! Love it!	lordnoddy (3645)
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