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Thread ID: 137772	2014-08-18 00:39:00	Monday Laughs:....Doctors, Accountants & Lawyers, plus one for Mechanics............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1381986	2014-08-18 00:39:00	. . A fellow sits down in front of his Doctor's desk, and the Doc asks: "What can I do for you"? "Well" , he states, "I have a very serious problem with silent, gaseous emissions, and I need some help." "Do tell me about your problem" says the Doc. "OK; on the way to your office this morning, I rode a bus and had four silent, gaseous emissions. In the elevator to your office on the ninth floor, I had two more silent, gaseous emissions, then while in your waiting room, I had five or six more silent, gaseous emissions." "As a matter of fact, since I've been sitting here, I've already had another silent, gaseous emission." "What can you do for me?" "Well" said the Doctor, "First of all we're going to get your hearing tested". ********************************* A woman walks into an Accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The Accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?" "I'm a hooker," she says. The Accountant baulks and says, "No, no, no, that won't work. That is too crude for the IRD. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-class call girl." "No, that is still inappropriate for the IRD. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The Accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a call girl? "Well" she says, "I raised over a thousand little peckers last year." "Good enough." the Accountant replies. ********************************* A Mafia Godfather learns that his Bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars. The Bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. So, when the Godfather interrogates his Bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an Attorney who knows sign language. The Godfather instructs the Attorney to ask the Bookkeeper where the embezzled is. The Attorney, using sign language, asks the Bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden. The Bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The Attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the Bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!" The Attorney signs to the Bookkeeper, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The Bookkeeper signs back, "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the Attorney, "Well, what'd he say"? The Attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." ********************************* Common Workshop Tools Defined DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted curved aluminium panel which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE-BRUSH WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shlt...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. CIRCULAR SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes useful in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering large vehicles to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. FOUR-METRE LONG PINE 100mm x 100mm: Used for levering vehicles upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool, ten times harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. BANDSAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the scrap bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TONNE ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 600mm screwdriver: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used to strip out pozidrive screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable studs. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. MECHANICS' KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, CDs and DVDs, rare and collectible vinyl records, antique wooden furniture - especially inlaid, liquids in plastic bottles, collector's magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Particularly useful for slicing work clothes, but only while actually being worn. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need while unable to let go with the other hand from the part it has just taken you 45 minutes (and body contortions you didn't believe possible) to position correctly for final fixing. (Also called the f***-** tool by particularly stressed mechanics who have simultaneously copped an eyeful of wayward contaminants.) Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1381987	2014-08-18 04:50:00	TABLE SAW... Also for chopping into thumb. forefinger & middle finger. Like what I did, followed by an ambulance trip. Surgery at 11pm till 2.30pm by a pissed off night shift surgeon who was going off duty. Then three day stay in in a Ward then two weeks of Nurse visits. Then three months of Physio. Maryann sold the saw the day after!!!	Poppa John (284)
1381988	2014-08-18 07:06:00	These women PJ. No sense of adventure :) Ken	kenj (9738)
1381989	2014-08-18 07:10:00	Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells	kenj (9738)
1381990	2014-08-18 09:56:00	A dwarf with a lisp (speech impediment for the politically correct) goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". He says, now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"	tutaenui (1724)
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