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Thread ID: 137875	2014-08-31 23:15:00	Monday Laughs:....The perils of aging...............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1382958	2014-08-31 23:15:00	. . When I bought my fancy cellphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cellphone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook so that my seven kids, their spouses, my thirteen grandkids and two great grandkids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix, and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this, so I now keep my cellphone in my golf bag in the back of my car. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue Tooth phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Foodtown talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I mean, the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside that gadget was very annoying and quite the rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then another if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship... When I get really lost now, I get out the phone and call my wife. I tell her the name of the cross streets and we figure out the way home from there. Although she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy the GPS lady, at least she loves me. The world is just getting too complex for me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to keep track of the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for four years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. I even get messed up every time I go to the Supermarket. You would think they could settle on something themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me. Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, no, but I do fart a lot." P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.. ********************************* Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it? I was in a coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me, then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. This is what happens when senior citizens use technology! ********************************* "Four Worms in a Church" A lesson to be learned!!!! A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon on the virtues of an abstemious life, so worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol ...................... Dead The second worm in cigarette smoke........Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup.................Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil ...............Alive The Minister then asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . . "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service! ********************************* Two 10 year old boys are taking a pee - one looks over at the penis of the other and says, "Oh no! What's wrong with your willie?" The little boy replies, "I've been circumcised" His friend says, "You poor guy - when did that happen?" "When I was born", came the reply. "Yuck, it looks awful - what did they do to it?" askes the first boy. "They cut off my foreskin"! The first little boy was shuddering as he imagined the pain his freind must have gone through. "I bet it hurt?", he said. "Hurt!", exclaimed the boy, "HURT!!! - It hurt so much I couldn't walk for a year!" ********************************* Captain Hornblower, his officers and his crew are out sailing the high seas when one day they find themselves pursued by a pirate ship. "Bring me my sword and my red shirt." says the captain and they set to the pirates and vanquish them. Few days later they are pursued by another pirate ship and the captain says, "Bring me my sword and my red shirt" and they set to the pirates and vanquish them again. Total success and after the battle an officer asks the captain. "Why do you always want this red shirt?" "Because should I get wounded and my blood pour out, the ratings won't be disheartened because they won't see my blood against the red shirt." explained the captain. Few days later they are surrounded by a dozen pirate ships. The captain says, "Bring me my sword, my red shirt, and a pair of brown trousers. Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: [i]Today is International Disturbed People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to all your disturbed friends.......Just as I have done.	Billy T (70)
1382959	2014-08-31 23:26:00	:thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs:	R2x1 (4628)
1382960	2014-09-01 02:06:00	:thumbs: :thumbs: :thumbs: What he said	CliveM (6007)
1382961	2014-09-01 07:35:00	Two old golfers A couple of old guys were playing golf when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he too had gone to the very same dentist two years before. "Is that so?", asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?" The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the nuts." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?" "It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt!" Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1382962	2014-09-01 07:38:00	IN A RECENT SURVEY CARRIED OUT FOR THE LEADING TOILETRIES FIRM 'BRUT', PEOPLE FROM LIVERPOOL HAVE PROVED TO BE THE MOST LIKELY TO HAVE HAD SEX IN THE SHOWER! IN THE SURVEY, 86% OF LIVERPOOL 'S INNER CITY RESIDENTS (ALMOST ALL OF WHOM ARE REGISTERED UNEMPLOYED) SAY THAT THEY HAVE ENJOYED SEX IN THE SHOWER. THE OTHER 14% SAID THEY HADN'T BEEN TO PRISON YET. SORT OF BRINGS TEARS TO YOUR EYES. Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1382963	2014-09-01 12:11:00	Today is International Disturbed People's Day. Please send an encouraging message to all your disturbed friends.......Just as I have done. :lol:	Agent_24 (57)
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