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Thread ID: 138001	2014-09-21 22:13:00	Monday Laughs:....Anything but elections................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1384541	2014-09-21 22:13:00	. . 2014 THREAT-ALERTS IN EUROPE The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in involving Isis and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. As a further indication of concern, terrorists were last week re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." This is a significant move, as the last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. Following failure of the Indepence Vote, the Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that, as a result of student unrest, it has raised its terror-alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's entire military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Only two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy. Australia, also alert to Isis, meanwhile has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. ********************************* Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am exactly. God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault. God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me! Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right. God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. God give me patience, and I mean right NOW! Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?) God, help me to finish everything I sta God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time. God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing? Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen ********************************* Here are some comments off my latest yearly appraisal at my job Term: GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS Meaning: Fluent in creative contemporaneous bullshlt Term: GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Meaning: Spends lots of time on phone Term: AVERAGE EMPLOYEE Meaning: Not too bright Term: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED Meaning: Made no major blunders yet Term: WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY Meaning: Too ugly to get a date Term: ACTIVE SOCIALLY Meaning: Drinks a lot Term: FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY Meaning: Spouse drinks, too Term: INDEPENDENT WORKER Meaning: Nobody knows what he/she does Term: QUICK THINKING Meaning: Offers plausible excuses Term: CAREFUL THINKER Meaning: Won't make a decision Term: AGGRESSIVE Meaning: Obnoxious Term: USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS Meaning: Gets someone else to do it Term: EXPRESSES HIMSELF WELL Meaning: Speaks some English, good at hand-waving Term: METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL Meaning: A nit-picking nut Term: HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES Meaning: Is tall or has a loud voice Term: EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT Meaning: Lucky Term: CAREER MINDED Meaning: Back-Stabber Term: LOYAL Meaning: Can't get a job anywhere else Term: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR Meaning: Knows a lot of dirty jokes Term: HAS AN EXTENSIVE PERSONAL LIBRARY Meaning: Copies rented porno movies ********************************* A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him… FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity- BUMP... clappity- BUMP... clappity- BUMP... The terrified man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) ….The coffin stops ********************************* Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party... or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1384542	2014-09-21 22:33:00	:thumbs:	R2x1 (4628)
1384543	2014-09-22 00:22:00	Hilarious as always Billy, thanks :)	inphinity (7274)
1384544	2014-09-22 01:04:00	Absolutely luuuurve the 2014 Threats joke! Reminds me of Albino Blacksheep's parody - until Google altered it's algorithms, if you typed in "French Military Victories", it cam up with "Did you mean French Military Defeats?" Then, by clicking on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" link it would take you to this hilarious page (www.albinoblacksheep.com)!	Greg (193)
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