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Thread ID: 138198	2014-10-20 01:49:00	Monday Laughs:...Politics, Religion, football etc.................	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1386484	2014-10-20 01:49:00	. . An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky. "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Politician." ********************************* On the 2nd tee of the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair, it meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt, but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the 17th tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me of your affair. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me" The husband froze at the top of his back swing, and then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees!" ********************************* The Auckland Blues manager sends scouts out round the world looking for a new talent to hopefully win them the Super 14. One scout informs him of a talented young Iraqi winger. The coach flies to Iraq to watch him, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for the Blues. Two weeks later, the Blues are 30-0 down at home to the Crusaders with only 20 minutes left. The coach gives the young Iraqi winger the nod to go on. The lad is a sensation, scores 6 tries in 20 minutes, converts them all with his boot and wins the game for the Blues 42-30. When he comes off the field he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day playing rugby for the Blues. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 30-0 down, but I scored 6 unanswered tries and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me". "Great," says his Mum, "now let me tell you about our day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, all while you were having a great time." The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, I'm so sorry." "Sorry?!" says his Mum, "it's your fault that we moved to South Auckland in the first place!" ********************************* Why God's Ph.D Thesis was rejected ----------------------- 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English. 3. It has no references. 4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal. 5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but 'Human' testing. 10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son to teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for seeking new knowledge and experience. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held in inaccessible locations i.e. on a mountain top. ********************************* A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the Priest teased the Rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The Rabbi looked at the Priest , and with a big grin replied, "At your wedding." ********************************* Baghdad Weather Forecast Sunni in Places Shiite in others Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1386485	2014-10-20 03:52:00	:punk	gary67 (56)
1386486	2014-10-20 03:57:00	Robbie Deans went to a Fancy Dress ball dressed as a pumpkin. He hoped that on the stroke of midnight, he'd turn into a coach.	Woody (710)
1386487	2014-10-20 07:11:00	Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mum. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mum asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing."	tutaenui (1724)
1386488	2014-10-20 19:46:00	OK, lets offend everybody...... I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!” ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.” I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.” +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?” I said “No, you're still black”. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?” The boy says,“Me ma is dead”. “Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?” The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.” ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better ! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there." +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,----which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says. ”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. ” OK. You're bloody ugly as well.” ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ That should more or less cover it all...... Ken :clap	kenj (9738)
1386489	2014-10-21 10:06:00	:lol: Nice ones!	Agent_24 (57)
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