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Thread ID: 138146	2014-10-12 08:26:00	Monday Laughs:....Another earlybird edition, gotta be on the road by 6:00.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1386135	2014-10-12 08:26:00	. . A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience... Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it, so upon recovery she decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "Sorry, I didn't recognise you." ********************************* Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right., I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." ********************************* Moggy the cat has a long and happy life and finally passes on and arrives at the pearly gates. St Peter syas "you have been a good cat and have served well. Is there anything particular you would like to enjoy eternity?" Cat thinks for a bit and says, " Well no not really just a nice place to doze and enough food will do fine." So the cat enters and enjoys. Next a whole bunch of mice turn up at the gates. St Peter says "You have been good mice all your life and what would you like to enjoy yourself here?" The mice think for a bit and then say, "Well it all looks pretty good but one thing we get sick of is almost getting stepped on all the time so roller skates would be nice so we can whizz around and get out of the way." "All done." says St Peter. Couple of weeks later he's doing the rounds and comes acroos the cat curled up contentedly sprawled on a rug. "How's it all going? Everything to you liking?" he asks. "Really good," says the cat, " and I really appreciate the meals on wheels." ********************************* JAMAICAN SANDALS A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market place looking at all the stuff when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in, dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex-god he was. (YEAH, RIGHT!) The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied,! "Just try dem on, Mon." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes …..something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!! ********************************* A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern, takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I`m pregnant." "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1386136	2014-10-12 10:36:00	Right up to standard :D	R2x1 (4628)
1386137	2014-10-12 21:01:00	YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!! :lol:	Agent_24 (57)
1386138	2014-10-13 09:08:00	Thanks so much, Billy. You really make Mondays worthwhile.	Roscoe (6288)
1386139	2014-10-19 23:05:00	POST TURTLES While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, a doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The farmer continued, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." Seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with." Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.	WalOne (4202)
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