Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 138242	2014-10-28 04:01:00	Time-Shifted Monday Laughs:...US Politicians:...........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1386971	2014-10-28 04:01:00	. . Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America and secure my Presidential victory in 2016." "Great, but how do you propose we go about that?" asked Bill. "Well, Hillary responds, we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador." "When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there." A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says, "Hey, aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?" Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local colour." They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walks out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, Scratched his head and then left the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. "Tell me, said Hillary, why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?" "Good Lord no," said the bartender, "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two Prlcks!" ***************************** (Supposedly) True Events from a Washington,D.C. travel agent 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts, "Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." 6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week.She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." 10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smart-ass!" 11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa."Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words.Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal". Now you know why the US Government is in such bad shape! ***************************** There was a black comedian who said he missed Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President." Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women. Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie* in hot water. *For those who don't get it, a weenie in Kiwi language is a cherrio. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one. The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes. ***************************** Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me!" "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it." ***************************** A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says that Obama has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2016, so we're taking up a collection for her." The stock-broker asked, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replied "Only about 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning. ***************************** Laura Bush bought Dubya a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!" "Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realise that he just says the words. He doesn't understand what they mean." "That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot." Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Sorry about the delay folks, an old friend passed away and his wife needed some help with arrangements.	Billy T (70)
1386972	2014-10-28 07:17:00	After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually hot and sweaty ... and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly.' When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you have any idea why?' "Oh, that crazy old bastard!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in July'.	tutaenui (1724)
1386973	2014-10-30 00:40:00	Woman: "Do you drink beer?" Man: "Yes" Woman: "How many beers a day?" Man: "Usually about three" Woman: "How much do you pay per beer?" Man: "About $8.00 per beer" Woman: "And how long have you been drinking beer?" Man: "About 20 years I suppose" Woman: "So a beer costs you $8 and you have 3 beers a day, which puts your spending at around $720 per month. So in one year, it would be approximately $8640.... Correct?" Man: "Sounds about right..." Woman: "If in one year you spend $8640, not accounting for inflation, the p[ast 20 years puts your spending at $172800.... Correct?" Man: "Sounds about right..." Woman: "Do you know that if you didn't drink beer, that money could have been put in a savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could now have bought a Ferrari..." Man: "Do you drink beer?" Woman: "No" Man: "Where's your Ferrari?"	johcar (6283)
1