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Thread ID: 138489	2014-12-07 09:11:00	Monday Laughs:...Religion, Politics, and Aussies. That just about covers the field!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1389675	2014-12-07 09:11:00	. . A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally he said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" ********************************* An updated version of an oldie but goodie that's been around before. Gets better with time. Political Systems Explained: SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour. COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk. FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk. NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you. BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away... TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them, invest the proceeds in Cows Inc and retire on the dividend income. SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why your cow has dropped dead. ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by your majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow and use the proceeds to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public then buys your bull. THE ANDERSEN ACCOUNTING MODEL You have two cows. You shred them. A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them. Nobody is permitted to see the cows. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsmen who reported the real situation. You then sell artificial milk substitutes manufactured from nuclear waste and recycled machine oil to boost productivity figures to the 100-cow equivalent so that you meet government targets and avoid execution. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN IRISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. You wonder why they only have one teat, a very small udder and only give clotted cream. You leave the farm to get Irish coffee at your local, then have a Guiness chaser, or two, or three......... When you come back your cows have been kneecapped. A MIDDLE-EASTERN CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the living shite out of you then invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.... AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive. A PACIFIC ISLAND CORPORATION You have two cows. Your Uncle's wife's cousin's brother's father-in-law's daughter gets married. You attend the wedding. Lunch looks vaguely familiar. When you get home you can't find your pigs either. A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office early and go for a few beers to celebrate. When you get back you find that IRD have reassessed your recent return and issued a new tax demand based on an estimated nine cows. You call IRD and tell them they got the number of cows wrong. They apologise and issue a new assessment based on 17 cows. You leave the gate open overnight, then claim a rebate based on the total loss of production from 23 cows on the basis that two can play at that game. ********************************* Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. They are sitting on a stack of timber at the ground floor taking a smoko break when a piece of scaffolding falling from the 25th floor. Steve is hit squaree on the head and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it" and off he goes in the company ute. Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies. "That's unbelievable" says Bruce. "You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow', and she said, no, I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are." Who said Aussie blokes weren't tactful.................? Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1389676	2014-12-07 18:27:00	www.nzherald.co.nz A Russian priest sprinkles holy water on the central bank's servers in an attempt to stop the fall of the ruble	pctek (84)
1389677	2014-12-07 19:44:00	Especially like the two cows one, Billy :lol::lol:	WalOne (4202)
1389678	2014-12-07 20:00:00	Especially like the two cows one, Billy :lol::lol: Especially the "NZ Corporation" section!!	johcar (6283)
1389679	2014-12-08 06:55:00	Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse in Sydney. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry. As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3? 'Nah lady, he replied. 'I'm ridin’ Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help!! ------------------------------------ A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter *What are you doing?' She asked. *'Hunting Flies' He responded. Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked. *'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.* Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'* He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. ---------------------------- Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?" Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" "Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."	tutaenui (1724)
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