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Thread ID: 138668	2015-01-04 09:24:00	Monday Laughs:....Little Johnny strikes again, Hearing Aids, Lawyers, and more ......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1391451	2015-01-04 09:24:00	. . Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and his Aunty Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunty Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunty Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunty Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, his mother asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunty Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunty Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunty Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunty Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that you and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away in the Army." Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt. ********************************* A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour, "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." ********************************* A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dae ye have any books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Fauk off, ye'll no bring it back!" ********************************* Why should you bury a Lawyer at least 3 metres under? Because deep, deep down, Lawyers are actually good. ----------------------- How do you tell a Lawyer is lying ? His/her lips are moving ! ----------------------- Why don't sharks bite Lawyers? Professional courtesy. ********************************* Taking his seat in his chambers, the Judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, looking at them sternly, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a BRIBE." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The Judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning the extra $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1391452	2015-01-04 21:46:00	A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What’s this? Some kind of joke?”	pctek (84)
1391453	2015-01-05 04:36:00	True Friendship Among Golfing Buddies This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade. "My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?" "Because he's thinking of getting married."	kenj (9738)
1391454	2015-01-05 04:37:00	A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week.." "What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."	kenj (9738)
1391455	2015-01-05 04:39:00	The Queen was in Glasgow when she formally met Alex Salmond, Scotland’s First Minister. EIIR: "How nice to see you Mr. Salmond.” AS: "Nice to see you Your Majesty. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence? EIIR: “Oh dear, one hasn’t considered that yet!" AS: “How about calling it a ‘Kingdom’ and then I will be King? EIIR: "Near! One doesn’t think that is appropriate.” AS: “How about ‘Empire' then I can be an Emperor? EIIR: "Near! In one’s dreams!” AS: "All right! So how about calling it a ‘Principality’ and then I can be a Prince?” EIIR: "Near, Mr. Salmond! I think we will let it remain a ‘country’ and you can carry on as you are.	kenj (9738)
1391456	2015-01-06 00:44:00	Those are ripper additions guys!!! Just like the early days of ML's, when I'd post one or two, then apre moi, le deluge........... Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
1391457	2015-01-06 02:42:00	I was in mexico last year and saw a guy swimming in the ocean, with a shark fin sticking out of the water and heading right at him, he was yelling "help, shark, help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him. *** Two priests are driving down the road together. Suddenly, they see flashing lights behind them. They pull over, and an officer walks up to the driver's window. "Sorry to bother you, Fathers, but we're out looking for a couple of child molesters." The priests pause, look at each other, then back at the officer. "We'll do it." *** On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife: Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe. When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe. And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling. I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah. *** So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one. Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla. About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lions den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the **** up right now or you're going to get us both fired."	Bozo (8540)
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