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Thread ID: 138587	2014-12-21 09:54:00	Monday Laughs:....Odd notices, He said, She said, Sexing flys, Golf, and Santa ......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1390664	2014-12-21 09:54:00	. . What they said.................. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. ********************************* He said, She said........... Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bltch." - Jack Nicholson "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams ********************************* How to Tell the Sex of a Fly! A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter . "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded." Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three Males and two Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." ********************************* How Golf is like Peeing in a Public Toilet 10. Keep your back straight, your knees bent, and your feet shoulder-width apart. 9. Form a loose grip. 8. Keep your head down. 7. Avoid a quick backswing. 6. Stay out of the water. 5. Try not to hit anybody. 4. If you are habitually a slow finisher, you should let others go ahead of you. 3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others. 2. Be quiet while others are about to go. 1. Keep strokes to a minimum. ********************************* Bureaucrats hassle Santa........ SANTA’S SLEIGH IRD said available for private use 364 days a year, so liable for FBT. No sign writing, so not exempt as a work related vehicle. No registration, no WOF, no airbags, no certification. Clearly has been speeding and also sustained loss of traction on the ice. Sleigh confiscated and impounded by LTSA. SANTA’S ELVES No PAYE/Student loan or child support deducted. No ACC paid. No Kiwi Saver deductions. Liable for all the above. The elves win lotto in the work pool and quit. SANTA’S GROTTO No Health and Safety Plan. No OSH Certification. Working on public holidays. No union access allowed. Due to all the water and ice around the Dept of Building and Housing determined leaky building and shut it down. SANTA’S REINDEER Not working dogs or guard dogs, so no deduction. No safety equipment in the sleigh. (OSH) WWF complain regarding cruelty. (strapped to sleigh) SPCA complain as they must have been high on some substance to fly. They are put down for their own good. SANTA’S GIFT GIVING IRD assess Gift Duty to be paid. No exemption, as not for natural love and affection. Customs clains exporting without a licence. CYPS charge him, as he requires all children to be good, therefore restricting their freedom. Ministry of Equal Opportunity claims breaches of Bill of Rights as presents only for Christian children. SANTA’S CHRISTMAS TREES Forestry Department charge him for inciting logging without a licence. Local council charge him with causing protected trees to be chopped. Greenies blockade and chain themselves to the trees to protect their feelings. Government claims he has to buy carbon credits due to increased grrenhouse gas levels because of lack of trees. Santa took all this quite badly, so there will be no Christmas for Politicians or Government / Local Body Officials or Protest Groups this year :D Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1390665	2014-12-21 17:41:00	Thanks Billy once again and a merry Christmas to you and yours. Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1390666	2014-12-21 19:46:00	. . Santa took all this quite badly, so there will be no Christmas for Politicians or Government / Local Body Officials or Protest Groups this year :D Here's their Christmas card ... 6099 :lol: Thanks Billy - to you and yours, have a great Christmas :)	WalOne (4202)
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