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Thread ID: 138575	2014-12-18 06:46:00	Anyone had a colonostomy?	Greg (193)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1390525	2014-12-18 06:46:00	I'm taking my g/f to hospital in the morning for this procedure. She's scared. What I'm wondering is, from anyone who's had the procedure, what are the expected after-affects? She'll be under full anastheatic (sp?) so I expect her to be a bit sick afterwards, but anything else I should be prepared for to help her with?	Greg (193)
1390526	2014-12-18 06:56:00	Greg, all I can offer is my best wishes for a successful operation and a speedy recovery.	WalOne (4202)
1390527	2014-12-18 07:14:00	Nothing to it Greg, It's all explained here . ;) ABOUT THE WRITER: The Author is a Prize-winning humour columnist for a daily paper . . . Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy . A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through London . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner . I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR ARSE!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven . I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now, suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of England's enemies . I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous . Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation . In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken soup, which is basicallywater, only with less flavour . Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep . You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litreplastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water . (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons) . Then you have to drink the whole jug . This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon . The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result . ' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground . MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative . I don't want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrepexperience, with you as the shuttle . There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt . You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, shitting violently . You eliminate everything . And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre ofMoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet . After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep . The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic . I was very nervous . Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep shitting . I was thinking, 'What if I **** on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough . At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said . Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked . Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand . Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down . Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep . . At first I was pissed off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too hammered to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode . You would have no choice but to burn your house . When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist . I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere . I was seriously nervous at this point . . Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand . There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA . I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate . 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me . . . 'Ha ha,' I said . And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade . If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like . I have no idea . Really . I slept through it . One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood . Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt . I felt excellent . I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours . I have never been prouder of an internal organ . On the subject of Colonoscopies . . . Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous . . . . . A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1 . Take it easy Doc . You're boldly going where no man has gone before . 2 . 'Find Lord Lucan yet?' 3 . 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4 . 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5 . 'You know, in Glasgow, we're now legally married . ' 6 . 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7 . 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . . ' 8 . 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9 . 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10 . 'Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity . ' 11 . 'You used to be an executive at Lehmans Bank, didn't you?' And the best one of all: 12 . 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'	B.M. (505)
1390528	2014-12-18 07:18:00	You don't mean a colonoscopy do you? They are very different things. LL	lakewoodlady (103)
1390529	2014-12-18 18:19:00	I expect her to be a bit sick afterwards, but anything else I should be prepared for to help her with? A colostomy is a surgical procedure in which an opening (stoma) is formed by drawing the healthy end of the large intestine or colon through an incision in the anterior abdominal wall and suturing it into place . This opening, in conjunction with the attached stoma appliance, provides an alternative channel for feces to leave the body . If you mean the exam where they just look with the camera - then she'll be fine . My mum has had that . You don't get sick from anesthetic - that was back in the days of ether, full modern anesthetic you just may be woozy for a bit . With this camera thing they just give you sedation - valium type stuff . She'll still be oblivious unless she has a tolerance to the stuff . Husband had that for a camera at the other end, down the throat - he was aware of nothing . Then off home, no affects or anything . If you mean an actual operation, then the docs would give her info and instructions on after-care and what may be needed once she gets home .	pctek (84)
1390530	2014-12-18 20:49:00	I have had one and I agree totally with BM (for the first time ever!) That is a very accurate summation of the procedure. The surgeon who did it was a friend of mine. He is still a friend.	Richard (739)
1390531	2014-12-18 22:35:00	It was a colonoscopy. Only took a couple of hours including the wakeup period following the general anasthetic. She feels a fair bit of discomfort in her bowels, but surgeon reckons she'll be right as rain by tomorrow. Me... had to suffer a couple of hours at McDonalds trying to connect to their free wifi - was blimmin hopeless, and not even a decent burger to ease my anguish (they only sell burgers after 10:30 am). Thanks for the comments.	Greg (193)
1390532	2014-12-18 22:41:00	I had it done a couple of years ago at North Shore Hospital. The bad part was the preparation and exploding on the toilet! The actual procedure was very interesting. I was given a sedative and was able to watch the whole thing on a monitor. The only discomfort was when they introduced compressed air to open the bowel so that the camera can see in the crevices. Rather like needing to fart but unable to. Nothing to worry about! The worst one was having a camera up my Willy, he wasn't designed for that sort of thing.	mzee (3324)
1390533	2014-12-18 23:48:00	LOL G/f had it a lot easier - completely knocked out, and she's in a heck of a lot better mood now that her pain has eased. But yeah, we heard that the pre-procedure was worse, and virtually no sleep, zilch proper food, and bugger nothing alcohol! I had it done a couple of years ago at North Shore Hospital. The bad part was the preparation and exploding on the toilet! The actual procedure was very interesting. I was given a sedative and was able to watch the whole thing on a monitor. The only discomfort was when they introduced compressed air to open the bowel so that the camera can see in the crevices. Rather like needing to fart but unable to. Nothing to worry about! The worst one was having a camera up my Willy, he wasn't designed for that sort of thing.	Greg (193)
1390534	2014-12-19 06:15:00	LOL G/f had it a lot easier - completely knocked out, I have also had a colonoscopy, and the various descriptions of the intestinal and bowel 'behaviours' are interesting and mostly accurate. In my procedure the surgeon wanted to maintain dialogue, and I was given a 'truth drug' type of anaesthetic so that I could cooperate with instructions but remember nothing of the procedure afterwards (thank heavens). I had a similar drug when having reconstructive dentistry (which was far worse than a colonoscopy) after a car accident. In that instance the dental surgeon also needed cooperation. My daughter picked me up afterwards and said I was silly as chook all the way home. Cheers Billy 8-{) :o	Billy T (70)
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