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Thread ID: 138805	2015-01-26 07:48:00	Monday Laughs:....Marital affairs, and Old Soldiers ............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

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1393077	2015-01-26 07:48:00	. . The First Affair There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but he took one look and was horrified to find that his new son was the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried, then he gave his wife a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." The Second Affair A mortician was working late one night and it was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schultz, he made an amazing discovery: Schultz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schultz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity...." And with that the coroner used his instruments to remove, the dead man's privates. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed. "Schultz is dead!" The Third Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front! door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner!" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." The Fourth Affair A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent...." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer. The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," the bartender replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the man who owns this place?" The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business." The Fifth Affair Jake was dying, and his wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his bedside. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face as her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you." ********************************* Why old guys should fight ISIS New Direction for any War: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. They say you can't be older than 42 to join the military, but they've got the whole thing arse-about face! Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys, you shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier: 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keepour kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want tosee is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. BUT HEY!!!!!!........... How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
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