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Thread ID: 138715	2015-01-11 09:20:00	Monday Laughs:....A dreadful injury, fairies, blondes, and lawyers ............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1391973	2015-01-11 09:20:00	. . One Sunday morning, a woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting (or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday"). She took the microphone from one of the church ushers, then bared her soul to the enthralled congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband Jim has suffered this past month." she said. "He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum." The congregation gasped in horror, and all the men present writhed in their seats, obviously visualising the accident and its excruciating aftermath. She continued: "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new." A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I." Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in the midst of the congregation and, in obvious pain, slowly worked his way up to the pulpit. Once there, he adjusted the microphone to his liking, then slowly leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: STERNUM!" ********************************* A guy coming up to a Stop sign sees that there isn't any other traffic on the road and slowly rolls through and carries on. A cop in an unmarked patrol car sees this and pulls him over, Cop - Excuse me sir, you just ran a stop sign Driver - Damn, .......but I did slow down! Cop - You should've stopped. Driver - I slowed down to check for traffic mate, What's the difference!? The cop pulled out his truncheon and started hitting him on the head: -whack -whack -whack -whack -whack! Then he paused and asked: - Now do you want me to slow down or stop? ********************************* A man and his wife, now entering their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands...... The man wished that his female travel companion be 30 years younger. Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that feminist fairy! :p ********************************* Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a Sports Bar around 9:58 PM and sat down next to a blonde at the bar. The 10:00 PM news was coming on so he looked up at the TV. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." (Bob took the money.) ********************************* NASA was interviewing professionals to to choose one to be sent to Mars, but there was one catch - the successful applicant would not return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a Lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the Engineer." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1391974	2015-01-12 10:06:00	I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.	tutaenui (1724)
1391975	2015-01-12 19:03:00	A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions'. 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'. This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?. The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60's, it is like a Christmas Tree.' 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration. Ken	kenj (9738)
1391976	2015-01-12 19:04:00	I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only 'old fart' receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see. Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them. Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor , Guadalcanal , Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .. If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Fart's trust strangers and are polite, particularly to women. Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.. Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies. Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren. Our Countries needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank Goodness for Old Farts! Ken	kenj (9738)
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