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Thread ID: 138751	2015-01-19 01:39:00	Monday Laughs:....Aging, algebra, blondes, and more lawyers ............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1392291	2015-01-19 01:39:00	. . The Ups and Downs of Getting Older: Your kids are becoming you...but your grandchildren are perfect! Going out is good... Coming home is even better! You forget names... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you! You realise you're never going to be really good at anything.......especially golf. The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV going than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep". You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON" and "OFF" switch. You tend to use more four-letter words: "what?"..."when?" Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere. What used to be freckles are now liver spots. Everybody whispers. You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear. But old is good in some things: old songs, old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS! ********************************* Breaking News: Teacher Arrested at Auckland International Airport............ A College teacher was arrested this morning at Auckland's International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator, all concealed within his carry-on bag. At this afternoon's press conference, the Attorney General, Chris Finlayson, said he believed the man to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. He declined to identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of math instruction, saying he "did not wish to encourage lynch mobs" but added that the man would be appearing in the High Court in Auckland at precisely at 10am tomorrow, dressed in orange overalls. 'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said, 'their members derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They also use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles was wont to say, "There are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister John Key said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." Fellow National colleagues later told reporters they could not recall a single more intelligent or profound statement ever made by their Leader. ********************************* A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25O Litres of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake, and thought that she probably meant 2.5 Litres so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 250 Litres of milk. Did you mean 2.5 Litres?" The blonde said, "No, I want 250 Litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurised?" Wait for it, wait for it ...... The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ....I can splash it on my eyes! ********************************* For those over 50 and the ones who hope to make it to 50! PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, 'did I wake you?' 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 9. You can live without sex, but not without your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of road-speed limits as a challenge. 12. You've given up trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes con't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate as meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 19. I can't remember where I found this list............. and I can't remember what No. 20 was! ********************************* A Minister and a Lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the Minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the Lawyer. "What do you do?" The Minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example... The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." ********************************* A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method." "Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not." "Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
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