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Thread ID: 138896	2015-02-09 02:34:00	Monday Laughs:..Golf, priests, & smart old men............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1393814	2015-02-09 02:34:00	. . Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar... Tiger says "Hi Stevie, How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now." Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Tiger: "What's your handicap?" Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer." Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie: "Pick a night." ********************************* A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shlt!!! So what happened next?'" ********************************* The new priest at his first mass was so afraid, he could hardly talk, so before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he might relax. The Monsignor said, next week, it might help if you put martinis in your water pitcher. The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he did. The Monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again." 1. Next time, sip the martinis rather than downing them by the glass-full. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. David slew Golaith, he didn't "Kick the living shite out of him." 5. We do not refer to Our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as 'J.C. and the boys'. 6. Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys. 7. We do not refer to the Cross as "The Big T." 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as, "Daddy, Junior and the Spook." 9. Please! It is the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry. 10. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 11. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 12. When Joseph was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was "stoned off his ass." 13. And last but not least, when you leave the altar, walk down the steps, don't slide down the rail! ********************************* A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going, however, when I was young, I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay.....So how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. "I was standing behind you in line at McDonald's." ********************************* Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and instantly he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long minutes then asked, "How does that feel now?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
1393815	2015-02-09 03:54:00	Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican . After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'" The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed." "Well," says the Nescafe man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million." "My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed." The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... "We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million." "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal. "We're losing the Tip Top Bread account!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I decided to go to a Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.* I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:* "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today." I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.* Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.* After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold, my car had been stolen! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Group Therapy.... Only in Auckland… A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions,"he observed. To the first mother, (from Papakura) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, (from Henderson) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from Mt Roskill): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, (from Devonport) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner. __________________	tutaenui (1724)
1393816	2015-02-09 18:57:00	More golf jokes: Three golfers, Ted, Bill and Hank are looking for a fourth. Bill mentioned that his friend, George, is a pretty good golfer so they decide to invite him for the following match. ‘ “Sure, I’d love to play” says George, “But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me” So the day rolls around and the three mates arrive promptly at 9.00 and find George already waiting for them. He plays right-handed and beats them all. ‘”Quite pleased with their new fourth they ask him if he would like to play again the following Saturday. “Yeah, sounds great,” says George “But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.” The following Saturday again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they’re getting ready to leave George says, “See you next Saturday but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me.” Every week George is right on time, and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week he departs with the same message. After a couple of months Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, “Wait a minute, George, Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you’re right on time. And you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What’s the story?” “Well” says George, “I’m kind of superstitious when I get up in the morning, I look at my wife, If she is sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed and if she’s sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed.” “So what do you do if she’s sleeping on her back?” Bill asks. “Then I am about ten minutes late,” George answers. Single and Married Golfers Studies have shown that single gentlemen who play golf are thinner than married club members. The way this fact was determined was as follows: The single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a refreshment at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there so he goes to bed. The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a refreshment at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there so he goes to his refrigerator. ****************** It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and he was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualising his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. “Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee please go back up to the men’s tee” He was still deep into his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, “Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly go back up to the men’s tee.” He simply ignored the voice and kept concentrating. Once more the man yelled. “WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN’S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE PLEASE!” He finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, “Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?”	johcar (6283)
1393817	2015-02-10 09:12:00	:D :lol:	Agent_24 (57)
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