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Thread ID: 139006	2015-02-23 02:07:00	Monday Laughs:....Of Priests, Vicars, Nuns, Satan, and Parrots ............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1394885	2015-02-23 02:07:00	. . The local Catholic Vicar was telling the Bishop how his congregation fell asleep during his sermons. The Bishop advised him to, all of a sudden in the middle of his sermon, slap his hand on the pulpit and say loudly, "I spent last night with a beautiful woman." Pause for effect. "I spent last night with my mother." The Vicar thought it a great idea and the next Sunday he slapped his hand on the pulpit and said loudly, as his notes hit the floor, "I spent last night with a beautiful woman. I can't remember who she was but the Bishop recommended her." *************************** Be careful what you ask for. A Canadian vicar out was out walking in the woods when he was confronted by a very fierce and hungry looking bear. He dropped to his knees and prayed: "Lord, please make this bear a Christian." The bear immediately dropped to his knees in prayer: "For what I am about to receive may the Lord make me truly Thankful." *************************** Three nuns are killed in a tragic traffic accident and arrive in heaven, where Saint Peter stands waiting for them at the Perly Gates. He explains to the nuns that he must ask each a question so that they may prove their worthiness before entering. Approaching the first one, St. Peter asks, "Who was the first man on earth?" Without hesitation, the nun replies, "Oh, that is easy. That was Adam." Angels started singing, the Pearly Gates swung open and she was allowed to enter. Moving to the second one, St. Pete asks, "Who was the first woman on earth?" Also, without hesitation, she replies, "Oh, that was Eve." Angels started singing, the Pearly Gates swung open and she, too, was allowed to enter. St. Peter approaches the third and asks, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun begins frantically to think, talking to herself she says, "Damn, that's a hard one." The angels started singing, the Pearly Gates swung open and in she goes. *************************** One Sunday morning during a church service, a pillar of flame appears. Sulfur smoke fills the air and the devil appears. The entire congregation flees except for one old man who is moving slowly due to his rheumatism. The devil approaches him. "I am Lucifer," the devil says. The old man just stares at him. The devil continues, "I am Satan, the lord of darkness. Do you not fear me?" "Fear you?" the old man answers in a crotchety voice, "Why should I fear you, I've been married to your sister for the last 50 years!" *************************** There was a line of men standing in front of the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted. A sign overhead read, "For men who have been dominated all their lives by their wives" and the line extended as far as the eye could see. There was another sign nearby which said: "For men who have never been dominated by their wives." One man was standing in that line. St Peter came over to him and asked, "Why are you standing here?" The man replied, "I have no idea, my wife told me come over here." *************************** John received as a gift a parrot named "Chief". This parrot had a very bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary and everything that came out of its mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary, but nothing made a scrap of difference. Finally he was so fed up that he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Then he threw a glass of water at him but the parrot just got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed obscenities, then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd harmed the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer and the parrot calmly stepped out onto his outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude, but just as he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued: "May I ask what the turkey did, and were those three chickens involved as well?" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1394886	2015-02-23 02:30:00	:banana Great stuff for a rainy Monday afternoon Billy T	gary67 (56)
1394887	2015-02-23 04:12:00	Right at the end of a programme on Radio 4 recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon. An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate". What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!" The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"	Cicero (40)
1394888	2015-02-23 04:35:00	Nice one Ciccy, tickled my sense of ridiculous, and very true as well! Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1394889	2015-02-23 04:59:00	I love the parrot one!!! LL	lakewoodlady (103)
1394890	2015-02-23 06:35:00	WORKSHOP 101 TOOL GLOSSARY DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW! ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.	tutaenui (1724)
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