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Thread ID: 138959	2015-02-16 01:01:00	Monday Laughs:.....Some vintage Jokes, from the Archives of Mirth ............	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1394461	2015-02-16 01:01:00	. . An older man approached an attractive young woman at a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says, "but I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea!" the man says, "But every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere." ********************************** A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they"re gone." "No more headaches? the husband asks, what happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, "I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.".......... Well, I tried it, and it worked! The headaches are all gone." "Gee, that is wonderful" proclaims the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it, and following his appointment he comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says "wow! that was wonderful!" The husband says "don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a minute or two later and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning "OH MY GOD" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. "She is not my wife". "She is not my wife". "She is not my wife". His funeral service will be held on Saturday. ********************************** Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, "We're supposed to be finding the f-'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a f-'n ladder." The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 6.5 metres. Then she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, "Isn't that just like a blonde!" "We need the f-'n height - and she gives us the f-'n length." ********************************** A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he has ever seen. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?" "Yes?" replies the clerk." "Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?" "Pistachios? They're six dollars a pound." "SSSh*t!" The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahh-aahhhmons?" "Almonds? They're seven-fifty a pound." "SSSSSH*T! Tas's'pensive," replies the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your Pi-pikanns?" "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four-fifty a pound." "Welp, Ooo kkay. Just div me a pound of dose dhen." "All right then," says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans. Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Tirr, I just wanna tay tank you for not making fun of de way I talk, tauz I tan't hep it." The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody. I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose." The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, is ddd-dat your nnnoze? I tought dat wuz your dddick ssssince your nnnnnuts are ssssso high." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1394462	2015-02-16 05:00:00	:thumbs::D:thumbs:	R2x1 (4628)
1394463	2015-02-16 20:52:00	By Pam Ayres The missus bought a Paperback, Down Shepton Mallet way, I had a look inside her bag; T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey". Well I just left her to it, And at ten I went to bed. An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread... In her left she held a rope; And in her right a whip! She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip. Well fifty years or so ago; I might have had a peek; But Ethel hasn't weathered well; She's eighty four next week!! Watching Ethel bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer. And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer! She struggled back upon her feet; A couple minutes later; She put her teeth back in and said I am a dominator !! Now if you knew our Ethel, You'd see just why I spluttered, I'd spent two months in traction For the last complaint I'd uttered. She stood there nude and naked Bent forward just a bit I went to hold her, sensual like And stood on her left tit! Ethel screamed, her teeth shot out; My God what had I done!? She moaned and groaned then shouted out: "Step on the other one!! Well readers, I can tell no more; Of what occurred that day. Suffice to say my jet black hair, Turned fifty shades of grey.	Cicero (40)
1394464	2015-02-17 22:20:00	Awesome Cicero!!!	johcar (6283)
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