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Thread ID: 139052	2015-03-02 05:10:00	Monday Laughs:..Starts with a Cricket theme, then it's all downhill from there.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1395597	2015-03-02 05:10:00	. . On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing. He was strolling along the beach-front at Mission Bay when suddenly there was a great commotion just off-shore. A man wearing green and gold Aussie cricket kit was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 5 metre shark. While the Pope looked on horrified, a boat with two men wearing Black Cap outfits on board cruised up alongside. Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I had been told that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true." As the Pope walked off the beach, Rangi asked Hohepa, "Who the hell was that, bro'?" "That was the Pope cuz," Hohepa replied. "He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," Rangi said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger-all about shark fishing .......... Is our bait holding up okay, or do we need to hook another Aussie bowler?" ********************************* A Preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the Preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the Preacher asked, will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The Preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The Preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The Preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. ********************************* When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak at the knees, and he begins to think irrationally. -Ever wondered why? .....Because she smells like a new car. :wub ********************************* Dear Technical Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all of the loaded programs and now monitors closely all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golf 3.6 were also affected along with TV 3.4. I am only rarely able to activate permissions to review the contents of Wallet 2.1 or Bank Account 3.0 and now that Handbag 11.7 has been updated with the latest security patches I get 'Access Denied, Your privileges have been revoked.' I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications, so I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, Troubled User..... REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that many males have encountered. Most men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. However, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 and it is also impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under 'Warnings-Alimony/Child Support'. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation, and I suggest installing the background applications 'Yes Dear' and 'I agree' to alleviate software augmentation. If the foregoing does not solve your immediate problems, the safest course of action is to boot into safe mode, navigate to the root and enter the command C:\APOLOGISE! because ultimately you will have to enter this command before the system will return to normal anyway. If you do otherwise, your root may become permanently inaccessible and you will have to invest in a complete new system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. It comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary SS3.3 (Short Skirt edition). This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and can delete all bank account information! ********************************* Six Kinds of Sex 1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc. 3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by some. 5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom. 6. There is also Benefit or Pension Sex...that's when you get a little bit once a month but it's not enough to live on.... Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
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