Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 139228	2015-03-30 02:50:00	Monday Laughs:...Largely about the foibles of men and woman. ..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1397636	2015-03-30 02:50:00	. . A Kiwi is drinking in a Australian bar when his mobile rings. He hangs up grinning from ear to ear and orders a round for the whole bar announcing that his wife just gave birth to a 12kg baby boy. Nobody can believe the weight but the Kiwi just shrugs and says, 'We make 'em big back home folks. My boy's a typical Kiwi and one day he'll be an All Black. Congrats are showered on him and many exclamations of 'WOW' are heard. One woman even faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Kiwi returns to the same bar. Barman says 'We were going to call you, everyone's been making bets as to how much your 12kg son weighs, so how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers that he now weighs 10.5kg's. The barman is puzzled and concerned and asks 'What happened, he already weighed 12kg on the day he was born'. The Kiwi father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his singlet, leans proudly over to the bartender and says: 'Had him circumcised'. ********************************* Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men left his friends to go use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at the bottom of the barrel in a successful company. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new private jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. ********************************* Welcome to the Mole Family A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together In a little mole hole. One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!' The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!' Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is.... MOLEASSES! ********************************* Eve's Talk With God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "Man? What is that Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy all your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well ... you can have him on one condition. As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret.....you know, woman to woman." ********************************* A Women's Guide To Male English -- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? -- I'm hungry = I'm hungry -- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy -- I'm tired = I'm tired -- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before -- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! -- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! A Man's Guide To Female English -- We need to talk = I need to complain -- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to -- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important -- We need = I want -- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now -- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later -- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! -- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot -- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? -- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period -- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs -- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... -- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white -- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! -- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep -- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive -- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like -- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV -- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful -- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me -- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] -- Yes = No -- No = No -- Maybe = No -- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry -- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house -- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it -- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. -- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook? ********************************* To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1