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Thread ID: 139351	2015-04-19 11:18:00	Monday Laughs:....A mixed bag..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1398882	2015-04-19 11:18:00	. . Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich begins to cough, and after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her right butt-cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Manoeuver' but I ain't niver seen nobody do it!' ********************************* An Alabama couple had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband a vasectomy. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make their decision. Why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this now? The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every 10 children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. ********************************** The Dinner Party.. A group of country neighbours planned a get together and Jim-Bob and Susie-Mae Brown volunteered to cook dinner. Of course, Susie-Mae wanted to make the BEST dinner possible, got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steaks. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so, I see the varmints eating them all the time, and it has never affected them." After thinking about this, Susie-Mae decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty, 'an Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie-Mae watched him, but the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him at all, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Susie-Mae had even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished and was enjoying typical small talk, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie-Mae's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie-Mae went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance, and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine." Soon the EMTs were there with their suitcases and a stomach pump, the doctor close behind. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now", and he left. They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over poor old Spot never even stopped. ********************************** MORAL OF THE WOMAN AND THE FROG ... .. A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the rough. She was combing the rough looking for it when she came across a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.' The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times over!' The woman said, 'That's okay.' For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, SHAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world., and he will be ten times richer than you.' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then aske what her third wish would be, and she answered: 'I'd like a mild heart attack.' Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. **Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good. Male readers : Please scroll down. ... ... ... ... ... .. ... The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story : Women can be really dumb sometimes, but still think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way, and just enjoy the show. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1398883	2015-04-19 11:36:00	But it is only Sunday :(	Zippity (58)
1398884	2015-04-19 21:06:00	Who cares I read them on Monday	gary67 (56)
1398885	2015-04-19 21:30:00	5 Undeniable Facts: A wise person once said: 1.. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2.. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3.. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 4.. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. AND 5.. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Ken	kenj (9738)
1398886	2015-04-19 22:12:00	5 Undeniable Facts: A wise person once said: 1.. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2.. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3.. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 4.. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. AND 5.. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. Ken No 1 & 2 are the best, thanks Kenj	gary67 (56)
1398887	2015-04-20 00:21:00	But it is only Sunday :( Who would have thought to look for Monday jokes on a Sunday. Not to worry I found them on Monday.	Bobh (5192)
1398888	2015-04-20 03:15:00	[ Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times over!' The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. I don't know, a lawyer could argue 10 x over.... does not mean less but more.	pctek (84)
1398889	2015-04-20 06:53:00	I don't know, a lawyer could argue 10 x over.... does not mean less but more. Quite right PC, but a pedant would argue that the adjective frames the outcome, a malcontent might argue that adjectives are a load of old rope, and a fatalist would borrow the rope and go hang him/herself. A cynic would say that a talking frog is a load of nonsense, and an opportunist would have shot off and burgled their home; while knowing a good thing when he sees one, the husband would have called his mistress and told her to pack a small bag, he's come into money and the Carribbean is beckoning. Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
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