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Thread ID: 139315	2015-04-12 11:21:00	Monday Laughs:..............A few more from my Archives	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1398463	2015-04-12 11:21:00	. . A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arse student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.' ********************************* A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.' ********************************* A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.' ********************************* A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, takes it home, presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot, funeral is on Thursday at Noon, closed coffin. ********************************* Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady #1: 'What's that?' Lady #2: 'A condom.' Lady #1: 'Where'd you get it?' Lady #2: 'You can get them at any drugstore.' The next day, Lady #1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the Pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. 'Doesn't matter,' she replies, 'as long as it fits a Camel'. The Pharmacist fainted......... ********************************* Toward the end of Sunday Service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’ 80% held up their hands. He then repeated his question and this time all of his congregation responded, except for one small and very old lady. ‘Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?’ asked the Minister. ‘I don’t have any’ she replied, smiling sweetly. ‘Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?’ ‘Ninety-eight.’ she replied. ‘Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years yet not have an enemy in the world?’ The little sweetheart tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: ‘I've out-lived every last one of the bitches.’ Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1398464	2015-04-12 23:24:00	:D :D :thumbs: :thumbs: :thanks	R2x1 (4628)
1398465	2015-04-12 23:33:00	Thanks Billy	gary67 (56)
1398466	2015-04-13 02:09:00	:thanksGreat laughs	Bobh (5192)
1398467	2015-04-13 07:06:00	The Golf shop somewhere in America…. A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course. But - we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. And this was the way the rest of the game went- The robot's suggestions were always correct and the man's entire game was the best game he had ever played. A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!" The man sighed and said, "Well, It was it wasn't their performance. that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on> the fairway." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work, two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other one thinks he's the President!" Ken	kenj (9738)
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