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Thread ID: 139400	2015-04-27 02:14:00	Monday Laughs:....Another mixed bag..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1399383	2015-04-27 02:14:00	. . Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to put one hand on the TV and the other on the body part they wanted healed. Grandma hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip. Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch. Grandma looked at him and said: 'you just don't understand, you old Coot............ 'The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.' ********************************* One day a General and a Private were riding in a train. The Private was sitting in an aisle seat, and was waiting for the train to pull out of the station, when he looks up and sees the prettiest girl he had ever seen walk into the carriage. She's coming closer, and closer, finally she takes the seat directly across the aisle. He gives her one of those cool smooth looks and gets a shy smile in return, then he looks down the aisle again and sees... her Grandma - who is about 200 pounds and older than dirt - coming over. Now Grandma has seen the looks between the Private to her granddaughter, so she gives the girl a little shove and she has to move over to the window seat. The Private is more than a little disappointed because his view has just gone from drop-dead gorgeous to fat, old and ugly. About an hour into the ride the train goes into a tunnel. It's pitch black in the train, then you hear this smoooooch, then SMACK. The beautiful girl is thinking, "I am so glad he kissed me. I just wish my grandma hadn't decked him!" The grandma is thinking, "I can't believe the nerve of that young man, really, kissing my grand-daughter! I am sooo glad she slapped him!" The General is thinking, "I am so proud of my Private, he saw an opportunity, and he seized it. I just wish her grandma could have hit him instead of me!" The young Private was thinking, "I must be the luckiest guy in the world; I got to kiss the prettiest girl I've ever seen and I got to whack a General without getting Court Martialed for it." ********************************* A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the Principal thought a third-grade should know. The Principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the Principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The Principal and Harry both agree. Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The Principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied: "I have Pockets." Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: A Coconut The Principal's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the Q&A, Harry was taking charge. Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubblegum Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The Principal's eyes open even wider and before he could stop the answer; Harry replied: Shake hands Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "What am I" sort of questions,okay? Harry: Yep. Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: A Tent Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless and bit tense, then Harry answered: A Wedding Ring Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: A Nose Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: An arrow Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement? Harry: A firetruck The Principal breathed a sigh of relief, then told the teacher: "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself." ********************************* One morning in Dublin a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'dat's de power o' faith my son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Be telling me then, where is this blessed man? 'Sure an he's flat on his arse Father, over dere by the holy water.' Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1399384	2015-04-28 07:48:00	HEREIN IS THE ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION Guts or Balls There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”. Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295. GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?” BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome. Both are fatal! Ken	kenj (9738)
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