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Thread ID: 139536 2015-05-18 23:12:00 Monday Laughs:..Two Nuns, Aussie Etiquitte, Announcer Blues, Turner Brown etc...... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1400990 2015-05-18 23:12:00 .
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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

After a moment, the small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'


*********************************


Two Nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn, "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of this creatiuon of the devil," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the Nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican, " says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. “Show him your cross” crys Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Hey! Get the fxxk off our car you little prxxk!"


*********************************

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE:

IN GENERAL:
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.


DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.


DATING:
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say 'Monday'.

Note: If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sights.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo-bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back a six pack as well.


*********************************

Lastly, but not least, here's thirteen of the finest double-entendres that ever aired on British TV & Radio, and these are not made up, they are for real!


1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: 'You’d eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.'

1 1. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.'

1 2. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

1 3. A female commentator asks footballer Ally Mcoist - after he is taken off before half time - 'So Ally, how does it feel being pulled off at half time' - to which he answered - 'It's gotta be better than cream cakes and tea!!!'

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

(No, Monday Laughs wasn't late, I posted it yesterday morning but didn't do my usual post-loading check. Bit od a bugger really, because the jokes were rippers and I hadn't keep a copy. I only noticed this morning when I did my delayed check.) :mad: 		Billy T (70)
1400991 2015-05-18 23:39:00 Nice ones Billy! No problem on the delay... It's always great to read, it really does make the week easier. lordnoddy (3645)
1400992 2015-05-18 23:45:00 Billy, great list of 13.

But what's this all about:

(No, Monday Laughs wasn't late, I posted it yesterday morning but didn't do my usual post-loading check. Bit od a bugger really, because the jokes were rippers and I hadn't keep a copy. I only noticed this morning when I did my delayed check.)

Noticed a reply to Speedy by my wife "tother" day did not hit the site????.

lurking. 		Lurking (218)
1400993 2015-05-19 06:50:00 Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening.

The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), then flicked the
indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing
lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser
equipment must be broken."



"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy". 		wainuitech (129)
1400994 2015-05-19 10:14:00 Billy, great list of 13.

But what's this all about:

(No, Monday Laughs wasn't late, I posted it yesterday morning but didn't do my usual post-loading check. Bit of a bugger really, because the jokes were rippers and I hadn't keep a copy. I only noticed this morning when I did my delayed check.) lurking.


Well, it appeared to me that a gremlin of some magnitude must have struck around the time I clicked Send!

It must have scored pretty high on the Richter Scale, because it dumped the lot, so nothing appeared on Chat. The only thing left on my computer was the title, and that was no use without the content! :(

Cheers

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
1400995 2015-05-20 01:59:00 New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' guarantee that was Murray Mextead.. Gobe1 (6290)
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