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Thread ID: 139491	2015-05-11 05:45:00	Monday Laughs:......Pearls, Children, Guide to Female English, Shorts, & a Parable..	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1400458	2015-05-11 05:45:00	. . Twenty-Five Pearls Of Wisdom :2cents: 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to Church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. ********************************* Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men left his friends to go use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at the bottom of the barrel in a successful company. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.' The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot Mansion, a brand new Private Jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends. ********************************* A Man's Guide To Female English -- We need to talk = I need to complain -- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to -- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important -- We need = I want -- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now -- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later -- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! -- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot -- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? -- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period -- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs -- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... -- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white -- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! -- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep -- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive -- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like -- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV -- Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful -- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me -- Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.] -- Yes = No -- No = No -- Maybe = No -- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry -- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house -- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used to it -- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep. -- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your chequebook? ********************************* More Shorts: You never truly appreciate what you have until it is gone. Toilet paper is a good example! Now that spring is here, everybody should start thinking about cleaning out the house, also the PM's office! I do my own tax returns, because it is easier and cheaper than getting somebody to lie for me ********************************* The Stranger: A Parable for our times A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in our home. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mum taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries, and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to our first major football game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.) Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them. Swearing, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my Dad squirm and my mother blush. My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol, but the stranger on a regular basis encouraged us to try it . He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked, and NEVER asked to leave. More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?.... We just called him 'TV.' He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.' Their first child was called "iPod", their second "iPad", and most recently they have a grandchild: "iPhone". We now wish we had never allowed that stranger to become quite so close to our family........................ Cheers Billy 8-{) ;)	Billy T (70)
1400459	2015-05-11 06:02:00	:lol::lol::lol:	gary67 (56)
1400460	2015-05-11 07:04:00	Boy, the last one was spot on. Never had the visitor when I was a kid so never missed it Ken	kenj (9738)
1400461	2015-05-11 08:53:00	A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”	tutaenui (1724)
1400462	2015-05-11 09:07:00	Boy, the last one was spot on. Never had the visitor when I was a kid so never missed it Ken I never had the visitor either until I moved to Auckland at the age of 20, so I never missed it either.	Roscoe (6288)
1400463	2015-05-12 06:47:00	A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”	wainuitech (129)
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