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Thread ID: 139708 2015-06-15 03:40:00 Monday Laughs:....Signs, Phrases, Aussie Etiquette, & Double Entendres Billy T (70) PC World Chat
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1402710 2015-06-15 03:40:00 .
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Signs That The Car You've Just Bought is a Lemon:

As you leave the used car lot, you see the Manager shout 'YES' with a gigantic smile then high-five the salesman.

The jumper cables are not in the boot but are permanently attached to the battery.

The bonnet has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

The "Proudly Sold By" sticker at the bottom of the rear licence plate has been removed.

You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

As you drive up to a Service Station for fuel, the mechanic sees you coming, opens the big door, then waves you in.

When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked just down the road from your driveway. As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.

The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."

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Some Useful Condescending Phrases to use when at a party and trapped in the corner by a crashing bore:


Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an Artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't care.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm already visualising the duct-tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, as amatter of fact I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

What do I do here? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously, then change the subject.


*********************************

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE:

WHEN DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


WHEN ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


WHEN DATING:

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say 'Monday'.

Note: If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.


ON PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.


THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can make a tacky impression on your prospective inlaws.

4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded and the roo's in your rifle sights.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo-bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape
.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's insensitive to ask her to bring back a six pack whle she's at it.


IN GENERAL:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify the people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

*********************************


Lastly, but not least, here's thirteen of the finest double-entendres that ever aired on British TV & Radio,
and these are not made up, they are for real!

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: 'You’d eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.'

1 1. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.'

1 2. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

1 3. A female commentator asks Ally Mcoist - after he is taken off before half time - 'So Ally, how does it feel being pulled off at half time' - to which he answered - 'It's gotta be better than cream cakes and tea!!!'


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1402711 2015-06-15 04:58:00 Billy, sorry to say it my friend but I think you're losing your ML touch. The Auzzie Etiquette and the last one have been now 3 times on Monday laughs in the last month.
Hope for something fresh next week! :D 		lordnoddy (3645)
1402712 2015-06-15 06:47:00 Not all of us actually read these every week, Love the Lot -- the last section had me in tears laughing:lol:

SWMBO is staring at me as if to say " You OK" -- you lost ya marbles or something :D 		wainuitech (129)
1402713 2015-06-15 07:16:00 Billy, sorry to say it my friend but I think you're losing your ML touch. The Auzzie Etiquette and the last one have been now 3 times on Monday laughs in the last month.
Hope for something fresh next week! :D

You'll just have to cut me some slack LN, because I'm overloaded with work at present and don't have the time to track down enough new material. An old friend who was one of my main contributors passed away recently as well, so that has stemmed the flow more than a little.

Of course if anybody thinks they can improve on 10 years and over 500 MLs delivered, then go for it, otherwise 'you gets what you gets' because even old jokes are new to some people, and the odd recycled 'filler' does no harm.

Billy 		Billy T (70)
1402714 2015-06-15 08:13:00 Easy, LN. Those in the private sector don't enjoy the luxuries of public service sinecures.

BillyT does a great job, and let's all be charitable if he unintentionally - or even intentionally - repeats previous posts. It's difficult to repeatedly come up with new material all the time - I tried it on the "other side" for a while and suffered personal attacks and insults for a while which is why I gave it away.

After 10 years of entertaining us lot, let's hear it for BillyT!

:clap:clap:clap 		WalOne (4202)
1402715 2015-06-15 09:24:00 Yay for BillyT. :)

I seriously plagiarise him for my Newsletter... And the jokes are truely appreciated - I'm told! 		R.M. (561)
1402716 2015-06-15 21:55:00 You'll just have to cut me some slack LN, because I'm overloaded with work at present and don't have the time to track down enough new material.

Easy, LN. Those in the private sector don't enjoy the luxuries of public service sinecures.

Oh don't get me wrong I always look forward to MLs and Billy does an amazing job (10 years WOW!). Sorry to hear about your loss Billy. 		lordnoddy (3645)
1402717 2015-06-16 08:13:00 Billy, sorry to say it my friend but I think you're losing your ML touch. The Auzzie Etiquette and the last one have been now 3 times on Monday laughs in the last month.
Hope for something fresh next week! :D

Take your receipt to the office for a full refund. ;) 		R2x1 (4628)
1402718 2015-06-16 09:28:00 I look forward to Billy's Monday Laughs every week. I think it is very well done and I can't see to much wrong with repeating the jokes every so often.

Keep up the good work Billy. I'm certain you have more supporters than detractors. Don't worry about the occasional critic. They are a very tiny minority.

Love the Monday Laughs.:clap:D 		Roscoe (6288)
1402719 2015-06-16 10:55:00 I look forward to Billy's Monday Laughs every week. I think it is very well done and I can't see to much wrong with repeating the jokes every so often.

Keep up the good work Billy. I'm certain you have more supporters than detractors. Don't worry about the occasional critic. They are a very tiny minority.

Love the Monday Laughs.:clap:D Ditto Ditto Ditto. Keep them coming. :-) :-) 		BobM (1138)
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