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| Thread ID: 139790 | 2015-06-29 03:02:00 | Monday Laughs:....Zippers, Tui, The Crocodile, The breathalyser, & The Hairdryer... | Billy T (70) | PC World Chat |
| Post ID | Timestamp | Content | User | ||
| 1403835 | 2015-06-29 03:02:00 | . . The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When you noticed my garage door was open, did you happen to see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old Minivan with two flat tires.' ********************************* Husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a 24 pack of Tui and sticks them into the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on special, only $30 for 24 cans', he says 'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping... A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. The man replies... 'So does 24 cans of Tui, and it's only half the *&%$@#! price ********************************* Colin the Aboriginal:- A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours, and he also invited Colin, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood... He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, flirting, eating prawns and oysters, then...at the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 4 metre man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish, and he then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing, how about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said, 'I just want somebody to finger the bastard who pushed me in.' ********************************* Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.' As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again!!! ********************************* Getting a hairdryer through Customs... A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest seated beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I have bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear,' said the Priest, 'but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'But with your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' replied the young woman. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare' he replied. The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Answered the priest. Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!' Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs: |
Billy T (70) | ||
| 1403836 | 2015-06-29 03:18:00 | Thanks Billy - Awesome stuff! Loved the Croc and thelast one! | lordnoddy (3645) | ||
| 1403837 | 2015-06-29 08:02:00 | Thanks Billy | gary67 (56) | ||
| 1403838 | 2015-06-29 10:39:00 | Those were great, thanks! :D | Nick G (16709) | ||
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