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Thread ID: 139937 2015-07-26 12:00:00 Monday Laughs:...Definitions, F&K, Dog Logic etc...................... Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
1405428 2015-07-26 12:00:00 .
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ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


and last but not least......

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, but similar to my character lines.

*********************************


What Starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the Principal what the situation was. The Principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the Principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The Principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms Brooks says to the Principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The Principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your trousers that you have but I do not have?' The Principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The Principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The Principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that relates to a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The Principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

*********************************


Dog Logic:

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.

My dog is worried about the economy because dog food is up to $5.00 a can. That's almost $35.00 in dog money.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a human.

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

*********************************


The Plane Crash:

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail, altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing. The pilot speaks over the intercom. 'I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne.'

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's altitude continues to decrease. Again the pilot gets on the intercom. 'I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'.

'Africans, any Africans on board?'

No one answers.

'Ok then, 'B'.. Black people, any black people?'

Silence.

'C'.. - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?

Again, silence.


Then a little black boy in the back turns to his mother and says: 'But Mum, aren't we African?, aren't we Black? Aren't we Coloured?'

'Yes son, we is', says his mother, 'but for the purpose of dis exercise, we's Negros'.

Let dem Americans, an' Australians, an' English, an' French, an' Germans, an' Greeks, an' Italians, an' Mexicans go first.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) 		Billy T (70)
1405429 2015-07-27 06:46:00 Facebook..in real life...

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists. It's way of sharing your life with thousands and make new friends.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the SAME PRINCIPLES.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

Ken :) 		kenj (9738)
1405430 2015-07-27 09:03:00 Ken... It's not as bad as that mate Greg (193)
1405431 2015-07-27 12:25:00 Ken... It's not as bad as that mate

Yeah Nah...........It's ten times worse! Post after post of absolute drivel!

And as for Twitter, it caters exclusively for twits.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
1405432 2015-07-28 05:34:00 And as for Twitter, it caters exclusively for twits

Sounds about right, although to be fair I've honestly never been to twitter. The twits filter out the rare bit of interest and repost it elsewhere anyway, I've seen some of those. 		dugimodo (138)
1405433 2015-07-30 23:34:00 A man is in a bar and a small bit of concrete walks in, sits next to him and orders a drink. They get chatting about sport and the weather until a larger bit of concrete walks in.

"He looks like trouble, I'm off", says the small piece of concrete, and sneaks out of the back door.

The larger bit of concrete goes and sits next to the man at the bar and orders a drink, then he too gets chatting to the man about sport and the weather. Then, a HUGE piece of concrete walks into the bar.

"He looks like trouble, I'm off", says the medium-size piece of concrete, and sneaks out the back door.

The huge, scary-looking piece of concrete sits at the bar and doesn't say a word to the man. All of a sudden, a small, GREEN piece of concrete walks in.

"I'm out of here; he's trouble!", mutters the huge bit of concrete, and goes to leave via the back door.

"Hang on", says the man, "you're much bigger than him; so why are you scared of him?"

The huge bit of concrete replies, "I may be bigger than him, but he's a bloody cyclepath!" 		lordnoddy (3645)
1405434 2015-07-31 01:55:00 The huge bit of concrete replies, "I may be bigger than him, but he's a bloody cyclepath!"
:lol: 		Agent_24 (57)
1405435 2015-07-31 04:28:00 :lol:
:lol:

Likewise, with interest: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Billy 8-{) 		Billy T (70)
1405436 2015-08-31 04:21:00 Three ducks walk into a bar.

Bartender goes to Duck #1, takes his order and asks how his day's been. "Fantastic," says Duck #1. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."

Bartender sidles up to Duck #2, takes his order and asks about his day. "Best day ever," says Duck #2. "I've been hanging out with my buddy right there and together we've been in and out of puddles all day."

Finally the Bartender heads over to Duck #3 and asks, "So you had a good day too?"

"NO," replies Duck #3. "My name's Puddles." 		tcam478 (17385)
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