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Thread ID: 140094	2015-08-17 05:29:00	Monday Laughs:...International survey, Pastor Fluff, & The Reunion etc.	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1406842	2015-08-17 05:29:00	. . Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:- "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because of the following: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. And finally.............In New Zealand they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian accent. ********************************* Pastor Fluff The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff." The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish." ********************************* Great Re-unions A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before. ********************************* The Australian Broadcasting Corporation Media Release In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough Italian, Lebanese, Muslim, Asian and Indigenous people appearing on TV, ABC Television have decided that, in future, 'Crimestoppers' will be shown TWICE weekly. ********************************* Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.... Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet......He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're me brother's boots.. My mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of me boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years! Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1406843	2015-08-17 06:56:00	As I age. . . . 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's pissed. 4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. 5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body. 6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom. 7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row. 8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan? 10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.	kenj (9738)
1406844	2015-08-17 21:57:00	:thumbs::thanks	inphinity (7274)
1406845	2015-08-17 22:49:00	This is not really a joke, but is really funny :) m.nzherald.co.nz Ken Just added this one www.stuff.co.nz	kenj (9738)
1406846	2015-08-31 04:11:00	Brightened my day. Thanks :)	tcam478 (17385)
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