Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 140709	2015-12-01 04:36:00	Tuesday Laughs:....Hymn 365, The Catholic Parrots, Diaries, & Chickens......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1412181	2015-12-01 04:36:00	. . Hymn 365......... A minister was completing a temperance sermon, and with great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "and if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down. The Music Director stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing, let us sing Hymn 365, Shall We Gather at the River." ********************************* The Catholic Parrots.......... A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. . . I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest asked. They say, "Hi, we"re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That"s obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he paused suddenly and thought for a moment. . . . . "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible . . . bring your two parrots over to my house, and I'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to worship and pray, and your parrots are sure to stop saying. . . "That phrase" . . . In no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest"s house. . . . As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. . . After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence . . . Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other and says, "you can put the beads away, Mike . . . our prayers have been finally been answered!" ********************************* A Woman's Diary........... 27 November 2015 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Man's Diary: 27 November 2015 Black Caps lost the cricket. Gutted. Got a root though! ********************************* The Chicken Story: Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by the traffic slowly built up until it reached an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the Sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the Sheriff. "I don't care", said farmer John, Just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day The Sherriff had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the Sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the Sheriff sends out the county Workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY That really sped them up, so Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he said the Sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?" The Sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The Sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John, so three weeks later, curiosity got the better of him and he decided to give Farmer John a call.. "So how's the problem with those drivers now? Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did" said the Farmer, "and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go, I'm very busy" he said, and he hung up the phone. The Sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the Sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood.... NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW and watch out for chicks! Cheers Billy 8-{) :) Apologies for the erratic postings, I'm up to my eyeballs with pre 'family Xmas' tidy ups etc.........:waughh:	Billy T (70)
1412182	2015-12-01 05:08:00	A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to £10,000. Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes." Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1412183	2015-12-01 06:08:00	Great humor ..	paulw (1826)
1412184	2015-12-01 06:45:00	Archaeologists digging in the pyramids in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazel nuts and believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.	tutaenui (1724)
1412185	2015-12-01 08:30:00	Church Service in 2018 - - - or sooner. PASTOR: "The Lord be with you!" CONGREGATION: And with your spirit" PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon." P-a-u-s-e...... "Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God" S-i-l-e-n-c-e "As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready." "You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.' The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers: Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account. The holy atmosphere of St. Matthew's becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker! Final Blessing and Closing Announcements. a. This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out. b. Thursday's Catechism Study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out. c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counselling and prayers. God bless and have a nice day. And Jesus wept...	Marnie (4574)
1412186	2015-12-01 20:20:00	I had a few deep chuckles from these stories. Thanks to all.	Greg (193)
1