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Thread ID: 141630	2016-01-25 00:35:00	Monday Laughs: .Updated Alphabe,..The Economy..Join Facebook?..Kids + Indian Business	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1415025	2016-01-25 00:35:00	. . A New Alphabet A was for apple, and B was for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float. Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. The Alphabet Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which we'd rather not mention. H High blood pressure -- We'd rather it low; I For incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory; we forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, we have quite a few, just give us a pill and we'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know. W for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y for another year we are left here behind, Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds. We've survived all the symptoms, and our body's deployed, keeping six costly doctors, fully employed. IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY. IF NOT, DON'T SMIRK, YOUR TURN WILL COME! ********************************* Economy in the Doldrums.............. The economy is so bad that I got sent a pre-declined credit card in the mail. It's so bad, I ordered a Kiwiburger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf. The economy is so bad if the Bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or their Bank. The economy is so bad Burgerfuel staff are ordering in Chinese for lunch. The economy is so bad parents in Remuera fired their nannies and learned their children's names. The economy is so bad a boatload of Kiwis was caught sneaking into Fiji. The economy is so bad Graeme Hart took his stockbroker to lunch. The economy is so bad Black Power is laying off Judges. ********************************* Do I Really Need To Join Facebook? When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cellphone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my six kids, their spouses, my 13 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildrens could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. That was before one of my grandchildren hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this..... so I leave my cell phone in my golf bag in the garage. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth phone [it's red] I was supposed to use when I was driving. I wore it once while standing in line at the supermarket and was talking to my wife. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and everyone within 50 metres was glaring at me because I got a little loud. I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dashboard, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead...... Well, it was not a good relationship! When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and she tells me which way to turn. While she is starting to develop the same tone of voice as the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "box or bag?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me. Now when they ask me "box or bag" I toss it straight back to them, I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual," then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I replied, No, but I do fart a lot." We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets, a walking stick and the garage door and TV remotes are about all we can handle. P.S. I know some of you are not over 60, but I have sent it to you so that you can forward it to those who are. ********************************* Children talkting about the ocean: 1) - Octopuses have eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6) 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 3) - If you live with ocean all around you, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne , age 7) 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6) 5) - A dolphin breaths through an arsehoIe on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8) 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with two other men and a woman and pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6) 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My big brother said they would have been better off eating beans.(William, age 7) 8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how do mermaids have babies? Like, really? (Helen, age 6) 9) - I'm not going to talk about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to say. (Amy, age 6) 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7) ********************************* Indian Business Partners Vaswani, Daswani and Mahtani had all been close friends since childhood, so they decided they wanted to go into business together. Daswani says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000." Vaswani says, "I will go for $200,000". Mahtani says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000." Vaswani says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. You, Daswani, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO, and Mahtani, for your $1,000 you will be our Sexual Adviser." Puzzled, Mahtani asks Vaswani, "What is a Sexual Adviser?" Vaswani replies, "If we want your f@#$*&g' advice, we'll ask for it." Cheers Billy 8-{) :thumbs:	Billy T (70)
1415026	2016-01-25 03:55:00	No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction. The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.” Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’” His answer received a five minute standing ovation. Ken :banana	kenj (9738)
1415027	2016-01-25 09:45:00	Good ones. I have to admit to a couple of those at the top of Billy's list.:eek: If you've seen this one pretend you haven't. Irish Petrol Station A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'	Marnie (4574)
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