Forum Home
PC World Chat
Thread ID: 141597	2016-01-18 03:51:00	Monday Laughs:.....The Chosen One, the Irish vasectomy, the Lecture, and Snippets...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1414625	2016-01-18 03:51:00	. . An airplane was about to crash in the Southern Alps, and there were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes. The pilot said that he could fly to safety only if all the passengers lightened the load by parachuting from the plane. The first passenger said, "I am Donald Trump, the chosen one! I am America's destiny! The world needs me so I can't afford to die." He then grabbed the first parachute and jumped from the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and out he jumped. The fourth passenger, Gerry Brownlee New Zealand's Minister of Transport said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, " I am responsible for all transport in New Zealand and this crash will destroy my reputation......... so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute". The little girl said; "That's okay, Mr. Brownlee. There's a parachute left for you. The Chosen One jumped wearing my schoolbag." ********************************* After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in America and Australia ********************************* A man was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.” he replied. The police officer asked him: “Really? So who is going to give a lecture at this time of night?” “My wife, he responded ********************************* Snippets............. * The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. * We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. * Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. * The TV Evening News is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? * Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". * I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. * Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? * Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. * Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America? * Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of many other successful men is usually another woman. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. * The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! * Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. * Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. * Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. * I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. * When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. * Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. * Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. * A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1414626	2016-01-18 20:05:00	:thanks billy, some good ones there (as always) :)	WalOne (4202)
1414627	2016-01-20 20:29:00	An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! - this is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't - that is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and returns after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak: I can hardly see anything! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back" and hands him a $10 bill. Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back; that will be $500." Moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"* Remember: Don't make old people angry. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to annoy us.	Roscoe (6288)
1414628	2016-01-20 22:12:00	A few from me... *** After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.” *** A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had several parrots but one was priced much lower than the others. When the man asked why one was so much cheaper than the others, the pet shop owner assured the man that he did not want the cheaper one because it had a very foul mouth. "I've tried everything, but I can't get him to stop cussing", he explained. Eager to save some money, the man bought the parrot, sure he could teach the bird not to cuss. He too tried everything to stop the parrot's foul mouth. Finally, in frustration, he put the bird in the freezer to cool off. After a few minutes, he opened the freezer to find the parrot with a totally changed attitude. "Please, I'll NEVER cuss again! Please let me out! By the way, what did the chicken do?" *** What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!	lordnoddy (3645)
1