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Thread ID: 141660	2016-02-01 01:38:00	Monday Laughs: Irish, Lectures, another list, and a Bank mistake..........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1415276	2016-02-01 01:38:00	. . After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in America and Australia ********************************* I was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where I'm going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.” The policeman asked me, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?” “My wife”, I responded ********************************* * The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. * We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. * Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. * The Evening News on TV is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? * Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". * I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. * Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? * Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. * Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America? * Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of many other successful men is usually another woman. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. * The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! * Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. * Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. * Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. * I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. * When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. * Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. * Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. * A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. ********************************* I was at my bank today; there was a short queue. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too" Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
1415277	2016-02-01 03:50:00	:clap:banana:clap	R2x1 (4628)
1415278	2016-02-01 21:57:00	After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he said. ** A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued by this she asked, "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone." ** A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breastfed or bottle-fed. "Breastfed", she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist." The doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know", she said, "I am his Grandma." ** A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" ** After having failed his exam in Logistics and Organization, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student, “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?” Professor, “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!” Student, “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an ‘A’ for the exam.” Professor, “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?” Student: “What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?” Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an ‘A’, as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers, “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an ‘A’, although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.	lordnoddy (3645)
1415279	2016-02-01 22:07:00	They are all "oldies" - haven't they been published here before?	Zippity (58)
1415280	2016-02-01 22:44:00	They are all "oldies" - haven't they been published here before? Yup, running low on the "New" stuff unfortunately. Although if you like standup I can recommend a few Comics for ya; Russel Peters, Trevor Noah and Jeff Dunham are my top three.	lordnoddy (3645)
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