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Thread ID: 141869	2016-03-14 02:46:00	Monday Laughs: The power of alcohol, and other tasteless jokes	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1417439	2016-03-14 02:46:00	The Power of Alcohol A man is waiting for his wife to give birth, then the doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head, but the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol, then suddenly, Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then spontaneously bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, tells his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says .............. * * * (Wait for it.) * * * * (It's coming.) * * * * (Ya ready?) * * * * (Don't hate me!) * * * * (Yer gonna hate me!) * * * * (Nah, I KNOW yer gonna hate me!) * * * * (Take a deep breath) * * * * "He should've quit while he was a head!" ******************************** What I Want in a Man! Original list by a typical young Woman: 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer thing 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car and the door is closed 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves on most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch groin in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers my name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. Still breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet. ******************************** A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no other woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (apparently a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home. ******************************** A sad·looking guy goes into a Bar and starts drowning his sorrows. After his fifth drink, he says to the Bartender: "You know Man, I had it ALL!! A huge house....The finest cars....a million dollar stock portfolio......and the love of a beautiful woman. Then, *BAM!* just like that, it was ALL gone!!!!" The Bartender says "That's awful, what the f*&# happened ??!!??!!" The guy says "My Wife found out about the beautiful woman" ******************************** A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now, do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-fiance, and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
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