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Thread ID: 141796	2016-02-29 01:10:00	Monday Laughs: An irreverent poke at the foibles of the Church, Billy's way...	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

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1416691	2016-02-29 01:10:00	. . They're back, those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank heavens for Church ladies with keyboards. These notices either appeared in Church bulletins or were announced in Church services: ************************************************** For those attending The Fasting & Prayer Conference, the Package includes all meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon to-night: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let your Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the Senior Choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service to-night, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. -------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7.00 p.m. there will be hymn-singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.00 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7.00 p.m. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7.00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7.00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'. ******************************** And slightly less ecclesiastical: If anybody ever says that you are Ugly, Stupid, Bossy or Mentally slow.. F@*#k 'em.... You can't help it... ******************************** Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery' 'What's dat, says his mate. 'Send me lawn away to get cut'. ******************************** A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!' ******************************** And one last ecclesiastical outburst...................... What Would Jesus Drive? Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand for “What would Jesus drive?” One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.” But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.” Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.” Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.” Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.” Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were all in one Accord.” Cheers Billy 8-{) Official Representative of the :devil	Billy T (70)
1416692	2016-02-29 01:27:00	:lol: :lol: :lol:	WalOne (4202)
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