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Thread ID: 141776	2016-02-21 23:33:00	Monday Laughs: Terrorists, Business Advice, New Alphabet & the Economy.......	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

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1416375	2016-02-21 23:33:00	. . Not quite politically correct..................BUT... The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. The Irish are mostly still comatose since St Patrick's day, and aren't too concerned about the situation. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose". Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ... The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy. Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case". Canada doesn't have any alert levels. New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope they'll forget that we are here". Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. ********************************* A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long." they answered in unison. "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families. "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We have a full life." The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch, and with the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends." "With all due respect sir, but that's exactly what we are doing now. So what's the point wasting twenty-five years?" asked the Mexicans. The moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life.... You may already be there. ********************************* New Alphabet A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float. Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead................... The Alphabet Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C's the chest pains, perhaps cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which we'd rather not mention. H is High blood pressure -- We'd rather it low; I For incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L's for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory; we forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow! P for prescriptions, we have quite a few, just give us a pill and we'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. S is for sleepless nights, counting our fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in our ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X-ray, and what might be found. Y is another year we are left here behind, Z is for zest WE still have -- in OUR minds. We've survived all the symptoms, and our body's deployed, keeping six costly doctors, fully employed. IF YOU ARE OLD, HAVE A GREAT DAY. IF NOT, DON'T SMIRK, YOUR TURN WILL COME! ********************************* The economy is so bad that I got sent a pre-declined credit card in the mail. It's so bad, I ordered a Kiwiburger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf. The economy is so bad if the Bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or their Bank. The economy is so bad Burgerfuel staff are ordering in Chinese for lunch. The economy is so bad parents in Remuera fired their nannies and learned their children's names. The economy is so bad a boatload of Kiwis was caught sneaking into Fiji. The economy is so bad Graeme Hart took his stockbroker to lunch. The economy is so bad Black Power is laying off Judges. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
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