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Thread ID: 54740	2005-02-21 00:02:00	Monday Laughs: Personal trainers	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
326957	2005-02-21 00:02:00	A WEEK AT THE GYM - ONE MAN'S STORY Dear Diary, For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me . Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try . Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear . My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am . Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me . She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile . Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines . She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill . She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit . I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today . Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around . This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door . Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile . Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile . I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me . WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it . I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals . Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop . I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot . Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members . Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying . My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster . Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life . She said some other crap too . THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl . I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes . Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells . When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room . She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank . FRIDAY: I hate that ***** Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world . Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader . If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it . Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich . The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher . Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today . Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner . However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel . SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over . I will also pray that next year, my wife (the *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy . Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
326958	2005-02-21 00:55:00	Thanks for that Billy... Reminds me of a message I heard last night at CLC.... Endurance... Brightened my day, cheers! Chill.	Chilling_Silence (9)
326959	2005-02-21 03:38:00	A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way. When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service. Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sort of gives new meaning to the term "Holy ****."	smithie 38 (6684)
326960	2005-02-21 03:47:00	I apologise if any of these have been done before . If you've read it before, just skip through . ;) -------------------- One day a man walked in a bar with a box . He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun . The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here . " There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face . Then he ran back . The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here . " After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back . The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun . Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar . But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air . He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off . " The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers . " Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?" "By spitting," said the leprechaun . -------------------- A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical . The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me . Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off . " The Doctor was astonished . He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God . He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves . Is this true?" And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!" -------------------- According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem . A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom . That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints . Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back . Finally the principal decided that something had to be done . She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man . She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night . To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required . He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it . Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror . There are teachers, and then there are educators . . . -------------------- Telemarketer Repellant # If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name . Then ask them to spell the company name . Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc . Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary . # Say "no" over and over . Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak . This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up . # If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" # If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems . My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout . . . " # If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" # Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back . When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up . # Ask them to repeat everything they say several times . # Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke . "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" # Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . # When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up .	E|im (87)
326961	2005-02-21 04:37:00	Computing-related slogans for the Tui campaign: ---------------------------------------------- "There's no way he could screw that up." "This shouldn't take more than 5 minutes to change; it's only one line of code." "There's the problem - I can fix that in a jiffy!" "Trust me, it's completely intuitive." "No need to do a test run. All we did was change the order of a couple of procedures." "Here comes the easy part..." "The compiler will take care of that." "The OS will clean that up when you exit." "Those compiler warnings don't really mean anything." "Don't worry, that font is in all versions of Windows." "I'm sure it's compatible." "It works on Win 95/98/NT...no reason why it won't work on XP too!" "Just get the latest. That will fix it." "Go ahead and erase it, that's only a shortcut." "Don't worry about turning that off--there's nobody connected to it at the moment." "Don't worry, it autosaves for you." "Sure, I know how to safely reboot the server." "I'm sure I plugged it in..." "That's the cable that goes there, honest." "That hard drive is brand new; you can trust it." "My notebook batteries have plenty of power left." "You can leave the computer on during the thunder storm...the UPS will protect it." "I'm not going to spill my drink!" "Nah...those static bracelets are a waste of cash!" "This wire is never live." "Yes, I'm sure I'm static free!" "Don't worry, the sound is on low." "The users will never notice the difference." "Yeah, but they can't prove it." "No need to write it down, I'll remember." "That deadline is way off." "Relax...there's no way the boss will catch us." Yeah, right! (more quotes at www.gameai.com )	D. McG (3023)
326962	2005-02-21 06:31:00	-------------------- According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers, and then there are educators... I like this joke. So much that I adapted it for a column I wrote for a community newspaper. But I used the local highschool and its principal for flavour. To my horror, a few weeks later I learned that the "joke" was discussed by the school Board of Trustees, who had a very upset custodian. Apparantly he thought the joke was a jibe aimed directly at him and it hadn't helped that I'd labelled it a true story. People had him on about it, so he was an angry man. The upshot was that I talked to the principal (whom I knew) and had to offer profuse apologies to this innocent man. Never again. :eek: :eek:	Winston001 (3612)
326963	2005-02-21 10:42:00	I like this joke. So much that I adapted it for a column I wrote for a community newspaper. But I used the local high school and its principal for flavour. To my horror, a few weeks later I learnt that the "joke" was discussed by the school Board of Trustees, who had a very upset custodian. Apparently he thought the joke was a jibe aimed directly at him and it hadn't helped that I'd labelled it a true story. People had him on about it, so he was an angry man. The upshot was that I talked to the principal (whom I knew) and had to offer profuse apologies to this innocent man. Never again. :eek: :eek: Can we assume the custodian claimed he was dipping his squeegee elsewhere or is this comedy of errors the norm?I mean to say!	Cicero (40)
326964	2005-02-21 11:42:00	Never again. :eek: :eek: :lol: :lol:	E|im (87)
326965	2005-02-21 12:00:00	HoHoHo Winston Thought you legal fellers didn't take any chances with defamation maybes - possible or probable or even faintly likely? Aren't community newspapers fun... Hundreds of years ago, I did an item on a primary school -Weston in North Otago - whose kids put out a regular newspaper so full of the local gossip that it was in demand throughout the district. Truly a tricky one for the teacher with the blue pencil... (Mind you, your sin didn't compare with that of my unfortuante colleague who forgot the "alleged" in a court report. That meant a very very public apology from the network to the world at large.)	Laura (43)
326966	2005-02-22 03:04:00	1 . The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm . 2 . The shorter the nickname, the more they like you . 3 . Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle . 4 . If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire . Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie . 5 . There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce . 6 . On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes . No thief has ever worked this out . 7 . Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate . 8 . All our best heroes are losers . 9 . The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags . 10 . It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold . 11 . A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear . A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped . 12 . It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard" . By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard" . 13 . Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship" . Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names . 14 . The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes . 15 . If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing . 16 . The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool . 17 . It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself 18 . The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much . 19 . If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer . (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it) . 20 . If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go . 21 . The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known . You should take everything you own . If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying . 22 . Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch . Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable . Just don't sit . That's what backyards are for . 23 . The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor . 24 . On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home . 25 . When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself . 26 . The men are tough, but the women are tougher . 27 . The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds . 28 . Australians love new technology . Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile" . 29 . There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realizes that the Aerogard is worse than the flies . 30 . And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you . No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone . . . EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia . They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket . If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie .	JJJJJ (528)
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