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Thread ID: 54740	2005-02-21 00:02:00	Monday Laughs: Personal trainers	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
326967	2005-02-22 03:17:00	------------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE BANK Save this for when you are 96 and the bank bounces one of your checks. I love it. The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have lapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year. Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman. Pretty clever person.)	Cicero (40)
326968	2005-02-22 03:47:00	LMAO nice one Cicero :D	george12 (7)
326969	2005-02-22 05:07:00	As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery . It is as funny as ever, but that story has been around since the 96 year old was in short skirts and training bras . Two quotes from earlier versions: I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years . 9 . To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8 . The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service . While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration . This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for" After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart . On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost . I like the second one with Woody Guthrie, it adds a nice touch . Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
326970	2005-02-22 07:33:00	Due to the obvious sensitive nature of some I will amend. ----- Original Message ----- From: Anita To: Pat Bassett ; Gloria Kerridge Sent: Monday, February 21, 2005 1:13 PM Subject: Fw: Aussie joke ----- Have seen this before but it is funny - Cheers Subject: FW: [Fwd: FW: HMAS Melbourne] This is an actual radio conversation of an Australian Naval ship with New Zealand authorities off the west coast of the south Island near Milford sound in October 1975. Kiwis: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision. Aussies: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision. Kiwis: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision. Aussies: This is the captain of an Australian Naval Warship. I say again, divert your course. Kiwis: NO I say again, you divert your course. Aussies: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMAS MELBOURNE, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE AUSTRALIAN NAVY. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE FRIGATES AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Kiwis: THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE YOU AUSSIE ****WIT! IT'S YOUR CALL !!! __________________________________________________ _______________ .	Cicero (40)
326971	2005-02-24 02:15:00	QANTAS PILOTS AND MECHANICS After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction . The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight . Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour . Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problemssubmitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers . By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident . (P = The problem logged by the pilot . ) (S = The solution, and action taken by the engineers . ) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement . S: Almost replaced left inside main tire . P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough . S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft . P: Something loose in cockpit . S: Something tightened in cockpit . P: Dead bugs on windshield . S: Live bugs on back-order . P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear . S: Evidence removed . P: DME volume unbelievably loud . S: DME volume set to more believable level . P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick . S: That's what they're there for . P: IFF inoperative . S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode . P: Suspected crack in windshield . S: Suspect you're right . P: Number 3 engine missing . S: Engine found on right wing after brief search . P: Aircraft handles funny . S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious . P: Target radar hums . S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics . P: Mouse in cockpit . S: Cat installed . P: Noise coming from under instrument panel . Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer . S: Took hammer away from midget	JJJJJ (528)
326972	2005-02-24 02:16:00	SAD BUT TRUE…… A man is dating three women and wants to pick one to marry . He decides to give them a test . He gives each $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money . The first does a total make over . She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man . She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much . The man was impressed . The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts . She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes . As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much . Again, the man is impressed . The third invests the money in the stock market . She earns several times the $5,000 . She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account . She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much . Obviously, the man was impressed . The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her . Then he married the one with the biggest boobs . Men are like that, you know .	JJJJJ (528)
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