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Thread ID: 55695	2005-03-17 04:28:00	Saint Patrick's Day Laughs	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
334994	2005-03-17 04:28:00	McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olive and placing it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, McQuillan turned away from the bar and headed for the door. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!" ************************************************** ***** An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" asked the employee. "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. ************************************************** *** An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The State Trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest picks up the bottle and has a taste, then says, "Praise the lord! He's done it again!" *********************************************** Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye,'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well." Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "Sure an that's a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'. ************************************* Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin." ************************************************** * Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church in a drunken state, enters a confessional box and sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole Mulvihill just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. Mulvihill mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either." ************************************************** * Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible news to be sure. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did Father, that he did to be sure..." The priest says, "and what did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Mother of God Mary, will you be puttin' down that damn gun!" ************************************************* Happy St. Patrick's Day!	Billy T (70)
334995	2005-03-17 05:03:00	Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle . They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem . " The owner comes over and asks if he can help them . "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry . The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag . Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass . At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place . " He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff . Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead . Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bugger dat . Dis budgie jumping is too bl**dy dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass . He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other . "Hi, Paddy . Watch dis," Seamus says . He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff . Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot . Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body . Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears . He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken . Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits on a rock and breaks his spine . Once more Paddy shakes his head . "Bugger dat, lads . First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting . and now Sean Og and his bl**dy hengliding!"	smithie 38 (6684)
334996	2005-03-17 08:48:00	The three Irish women were sitting chatting. The first said "It's a terrible thing, yesterday I went into my daughter's bedroom to clean and noticed she had some cigarettes. I did'nt know she smoked. Sure, I am upset" The second said " That's bad ! But I went into my daughter's bedroom and found some whiskey. It's terrible - I did'nt know she drank !" The third one said "That's very sad, but what I found out is worse ! I went into my daughter's bedroom and found some condoms. I did'nt know that she has a penis !" Misty :lol:	Misty (368)
334997	2005-03-17 09:47:00	Telecom sent out two gangs to put in telegraph poles. One Kiwi and the other Irish. At the end of the day the Kiwi gang reported that they had put in 25 poles. The Irish had put in 2. " Only 2?" asked the controller,"but the Kiwis put in 25". "Yes "said the Irish,"but look how far theirs are sticking out of the ground."	Dally (6292)
334998	2005-03-17 12:34:00	Mike & his pregnant wife live on a backblocks farm with no electricity. The local doctor arrives when she goes into labour. "What do you want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" The doctor holds it up. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "The Saints be praised, I .." Before he can finish, the doctor interrupts. "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers another child. "You've a pair now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the doctor cuts in. "Hold the lantern. Hold the lantern." Soon he delivers a third child and holds it up for inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"	Laura (43)
334999	2005-03-17 17:47:00	Heard about the irish tapdancer? He slipped and fell into the bath. :illogical	BoboTheClown (5652)
335000	2005-03-17 19:45:00	Three tough mice After attending the funeral of a Welsh mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from England, one from Scotland and one from Ireland, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are. The English mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Scottish mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The Scottish mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the English mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The English mouse and the Scottish mouse then turn to the Irish mouse. The Irish mouse finishes the Guinness he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshet , I'm going home to shag the cat."	FoxyMX (5)
335001	2005-03-17 19:51:00	Four Catholic Mothers Four Catholic Mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their their children were. The first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirped, "Well my son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman said smugly, "Well not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her a subtle "Well...?" She replied, "My son is a handsome, 6'2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. Whenever he walks into a room all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'"	FoxyMX (5)
335002	2005-03-17 19:56:00	At the Pub An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney . The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional . "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home . Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's . Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you . " "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2 . " "Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman . "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar . Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like . Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid . All on the house . " The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims . He swears every word is true . "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you . " "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman . "But it did happen to my sister . "	FoxyMX (5)
335003	2005-03-17 20:02:00	OK, last ones . . . :D Father O'Malley and friends . . . Catholic Dog Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company . One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead . Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church . But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe . Maybe they'll do something for the creature . " Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father . Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic? DONATION Father O'Malley answers the phone "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is" "This is the IRS . Can you help us?" "I can" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will" . CONFESSION An elderly man walks into a confessional . The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren . Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times . " Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish . " Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody . "	FoxyMX (5)
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