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Thread ID: 55541	2005-03-13 08:37:00	MONDAY LAUGHS	Strommer (42)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
333639	2005-03-13 08:37:00	Well, it is only 2½ hours until Monday, so I thought I would get in early... hoping it is OK with Billy. :p {Be sure to read down to the last line.} ==================== BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED; FOR IT IS THEY WHO LET IN THE LIGHT Let's see if I understand how the world works lately... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?	Strommer (42)
333640	2005-03-13 09:47:00	I'll be blaming a large number of open source developers :) (and Linus Torvalds)	Altec_ (2950)
333641	2005-03-13 19:45:00	Clerk Laughs Away Robber in Pluto Mask Strange News - AP CRANBERRY, Pa. - The would-be robber wanted to inspire fear, but his choice of a Disney character mask to conceal his features provoked only giggles from a convenience store clerk. Cranberry police said a clerk at Gordon's Mini Market burst into laughter when the person wearing a Pluto mask walked into the store about 9:45 p.m. Tuesday. The clerk was laughing so hard he didn't comply with the robber's demand to turn over the cash register money — so the frustrated robber left the store, police said. Police Sgt. Dave Kovach said the clerk's response was ill-advised and dangerous, even if it foiled the robbery. "Pluto could have been a strung-out heroin addict," Kovach said. "You never know." Pluto drove away in a car, but not before the clerk noticed that he was 6-foot-2 and appeared to be white under the mask. Police believe he's about 20 years old and weighs about 170 pounds.	Strommer (42)
333642	2005-03-13 19:50:00	Subject: The weird English language This might help understand why some people get frustrated . If you ever feel stupid, then just read on . If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave . Pursue at your leisure, English lovers . Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound . 2) The farm was used to produce produce . 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse . 4) We must polish the Polish furniture . 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out . 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert . . 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present . 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum . 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes . 10) I did not object to the object . 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid . 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row . 13) They were too close to the door to close it . 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present . 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line . 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow . 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail . 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number . 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear . 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests . 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple . English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!) . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat . Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea or is it a pig . And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese . So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend . If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on . English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all . That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible . P . S . - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?	Cicero (40)
333643	2005-03-13 20:38:00	A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees and object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a Tax Revenue ID badge and a dull grey dress. There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. Well, cowboy," says the genie.... "You know how I work. You have three wishes". "I'm not falling for this" says the man."I'm not going to trust a Tax Revenue auditor genie". "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!!!!!!! :D	smithie 38 (6684)
333644	2005-03-14 01:00:00	Here are some testimonials . . . . . Walking can add minutes to your life . This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month . My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60 . Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is . The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again . I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks . Haven't lost a pound . Apparently you have to go there . I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing . I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me . I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them . The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier . If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country . And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass .	Cicero (40)
333645	2005-03-14 02:36:00	The ultimate time saving gift for your wife. sal.neoburn.net	godfather (25)
333646	2005-03-14 08:39:00	From: Letters to the Editor, New Scientist magazine, 18 Sept 2004 Beware Tidy Minds You observe that "messy homes lead to messy minds" (28 August p 15). For many years I was employed as a research scientist for a multinational company, during which time I had to deal with a variety of ‘high-ups’. All the researchers knew what to expect by the state of their offices: those with tidy offices had tidy minds, managed everything, had everything in its place as beloved by administrators, and couldn’t recognise a new idea if it got up and bit them.	Strommer (42)
333647	2005-03-14 08:59:00	The ultimate time saving gift for your wife. sal.neoburn.net I am sure your wife was impressed,poor thing.	Cicero (40)
333648	2005-03-14 09:04:00	Three people got into a lift - the perfect man, the perfect woman and superman. Looking down they saw a $50 note on the floor. Who do you think picked it up? It was the perfect woman of course. The other two dont exist.	TonyF (246)
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