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Thread ID: 56397	2005-04-03 21:26:00	Monday Laughs: These are really clever!	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
341282	2005-04-03 21:26:00	From a competition in New York magazine to change one letter in a foreign language expression: Repondez s'il vous plaid - Honk if you're Scottish Harlez-vous Francais? - Can you drive a French motorcycle? Veni, vipi, vici - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered Ich bin ein bedliner - Kennedy slept around Que sera serf - Life is feudal Le roi est mort. Jive le roi - The king is dead. No kidding Posh mortem - Death styles of the rich and famous Pro bozo publico - Support your local clown Monage a trois - I am three years old Haste cuisine - Fast French food Quip pro quo - A fast retort Idios amigos - We're wild and crazy guys Carne diem - Seize the meat Plus ca charge - My Visa has run out Achtuna - Look at the fish! In fragrante delicto - I love that perfume you're wearing You may have to think a little about some of these (or Google) if you are not up on foreign sayings, but they are sooooooo good it is worth the effort. Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
341283	2005-04-03 21:43:00	In a similar vein. Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate word meanings. 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. 14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.	PaulD (232)
341284	2005-04-03 22:39:00	New Maths 1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year 8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon 10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz 1 1. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower 12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line 13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone 15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles 16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 18. 10 cards = 1 decacard 19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard 20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton 2 1. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen 22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 24. 10 rations = 1 decaration 25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration 26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram 27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms 28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League	smithie 38 (6684)
341285	2005-04-04 10:04:00	Good one Billy ! Very clever !!	Strommer (42)
341286	2005-04-04 10:39:00	Denis Glover, born in Dunedin, was a poet, printer, publisher, boxer and noted alcoholic. He is perhaps best remembered for his iconic poem, The Magpies, with its refrain 'And quardle oodle ardle wardle doodle/The magpies said". Glover was also responsible for the achingly beautiful Sings Harry sequence of poems. Plagued by depression, Glover once set out to kill himself by sealing the doors, turning on his gas oven and lying on the kitchen floor. After a while, he became bored, so dragged a mattress into the room to make himself comfortable and opened a Dickens novel to occupy himself. After another little while, enjoying the book immensely, he pulled out his tobacco and matches and was about to light up when he realised, with a start, what that would have meant. "I could have bloody killed myself," he said, and permanently abandoned his suicide attempt. More info at: Here (swirl-vc.blogspot.com) and Here Also (www.bookcouncil.org.nz)	Strommer (42)
341287	2005-04-04 10:41:00	I like the story jokes. Bring back the story jokes.	E|im (87)
341288	2005-04-04 11:20:00	I like the story jokes. Bring back the story jokes. Your wish is my command: A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 130 km per hour sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" I love this part.... "Only when he's been drinking". Cheers Billy 8-{) :D	Billy T (70)
341289	2005-04-06 21:19:00	Associated Press Strange News An Idaho strip club that attempted to get around a ban on full nudity by giving patrons sketch pads for special "art nights" was cited for violating the city's nudity rules, officials said on Tuesday. -------------- Orange County's sheriff used driver's license records to contact a woman who wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper criticizing his staff's use of Taser stun guns and describing him as fat. --------------- Hawkins County authorities were waiting for two would-be burglars after a cell phone in a suspect's pocket accidentally dialed 911 and dispatchers overheard them plotting the crime. ---------------- A new Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin has been crowned after pageant leaders stripped the original winner of the title when she appeared in a newspaper photograph standing up. See more Here (news.yahoo.com)	Strommer (42)
341290	2005-04-06 21:25:00	Two priests on vacation Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Fathers," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." Yes?" she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests - dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me ... Sister Mary Francis!"	Strommer (42)
341291	2005-04-06 22:02:00	TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is going to put it to her now. 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. 1. Think you can get me off? :D	FoxyMX (5)
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