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Thread ID: 56397 2005-04-03 21:26:00 Monday Laughs: These are really clever! Billy T (70) PC World Chat
Post ID Timestamp Content User
341302 2005-04-12 04:38:00 The Genius of Peter Kay......


>
> > 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
> > Thyroid problem?
> >
> > 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
> > Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and
> > asked him to forgive me.
> >
> > 3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
> > swimming.
> >
> > 4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
> > on with my real ladder.
> >
> > 5) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But
> > one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my
> > bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
> > sticks and stones all the way.
> >
> > 6) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
> > why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> >
> > 7) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> > said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
> >
> > 8) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
> > meat?
> >
> > 9) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
> > give the wrong answers.
> >
> > 10) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
> >
> >

Peter Kay's questions...
> >
> >

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> >
> > 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> > the core of the earth
> >
> > 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> > 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side
> >
> > 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
> > stand up and say , 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
> >
> > 6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> >
> > 7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> > centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> >
> > 8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> > horrible crisp no one would eat?
> >
> > 9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> >
> > 10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> > squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> >
> > 11. What do people in China call their good plates?
> >
> > 12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> > don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?
> >
> > 13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> >
> > 14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> >
> > 15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion
> > stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
> > wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
> >
> > 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
> > at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
> > the window?
> >


> > Peter Kay's Universal Truths


> >
> > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> >
> > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> >
> > 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
> > pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> >
> > 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
> >
> > 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
> > a calculator
> >
> > 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
> >
> > 7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
> > fire in your back garden.
> >
> > 8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> >
> > 9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> >
> > 10) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
> >
> > 11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
> >
> > 12) The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call
> > your teacher mum or dad.
> >
> > 13) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> >
> > 14 You never ever run out of salt.
> >
> > 15) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
> > your hand or head stuck in something.
> >
> > 16) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
> >
> > 17) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
> > their arm broken by a swan.
> >
> > 18) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
> > an upturned electrical plug.
> >
> > 19) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
> >
> > 20) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
> > wood specifically to stir paint with.
> >
> 		JJJJJ (528)
341303 2005-04-12 05:38:00 Jack you've made my day!!!! Chilling_Silence (9)
341304 2005-04-12 06:17:00 [edit: post removed]

[edit: you might wish to reconsider what is considered appropriate to a family forum. Those jokes were not - Jen ] 		plod (107)
341305 2005-04-12 22:00:00 {Jen - hopefully this passes as OK . If not, apologies . }

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within .

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving
herself a real workout with a vibrator .

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever
get to a husband . Please go away and leave me alone . "

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door .
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making
passionate love to her vibrator .

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said,
"Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband . Please go
away and leave me alone . "

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping
trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard
that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room .
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on
the couch, staring at the TV . The vibrator was next to him
on the couch, buzzing away .

The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

The husband replied, "Watching the ball game with my son-in-law . " 		Strommer (42)
341306 2005-04-12 23:37:00 A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch .
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus . "
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' . . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss . "

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him . Then he blushed .
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch . After a while the girl spoke again . "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus . "

"Well, uh I was thinkin' . . . . perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle . "

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him . Then he blushed .

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch . After a while the girl spoke again . "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus . "
"Well, uh I was thinkin' . . . perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg . "

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her leg . Then he blushed .

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch . After a while the girl spoke again . "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus . "

The young man knit his brow . "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time . "
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation .

"Aye," said the lad .

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request .

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" 		smithie 38 (6684)
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