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Thread ID: 142335	2016-06-13 03:39:00	Monday Laughs: ..............Red Coats, Brown Pants & Black Eyes...5 of the Best....	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1421785	2016-06-13 03:39:00	. . So why did the English wear red coats in battle??? A long time ago, Britain and France were at war, and during one battle, the French captured an English Colonel. They took him to their headquarters where a French General interrogated him for several hours. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the officer informed the General that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown trousers. ********************************* A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, your donkey died last night." Kenny replied: "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said: "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny: "I raffled him off like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00." Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars." Kenny grew up, changed his name, went into Banking and eventually founded Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities......... ********************************* A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. ********************************* A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' ********************************* Every Monday morning, Jabu walked into class with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it. Jabu's answer was: "Our house is very small miss, so me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every Saturday night my father asks, 'Jabu are you sleeping?' I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye." So the teacher says to him, "Next Saturday when your father asks again, lie very still and don't answer". The following Monday morning Jabu comes to school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. But the Monday after that, Jabu comes back with a severe black eye again. "My goodness Jabu, why the black eye again?" He tells her: "Mam, Dad asked me again, 'Jabu are you sleeping?... and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving at the same time on the bed. Mom was breathing funny, kicking her legs up the air and squealing like a demented hyena "... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'. They don't usually go anywhere on the weekend without me, so I said 'Wait for me...I want to come with you......." Cheers Billy 8-{) :devil	Billy T (70)
1421786	2016-06-13 05:01:00	That last one Billy! I almost wet myself laughing! Cheers mate!	lordnoddy (3645)
1421787	2016-06-14 02:28:00	Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry. As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3? 'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.' Ken :)	kenj (9738)
1421788	2016-06-15 23:14:00	Since my dear beloved wife died after 27 years of marriage, I've become so lonely so I decided to join a dating agency yesterday and they immediately found me a match. I met her this morning and we both hit it off right away - we even came back to my place and had amazing sex. Don't get me wrong, I'll never forget my wife but this new lady has given me hope that I can live again. She's also promised to be there to comfort me at my wife's funeral tomorrow afternoon Ken (a bit bad taste, sorry)	kenj (9738)
1421789	2016-06-15 23:33:00	That's awful. :)	R.M. (561)
1421790	2016-06-16 07:52:00	GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous. Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why. A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!), the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones indoors to protect them from the cold night. It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the lounge. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the lounge. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. Just then, the snake came out from under the lounge and one paramedic saw it. He dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the lounge.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the lounge in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the lounge. The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's apparently kissing the woman on the mouth. She slammed her husband in the back of the head with her bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the lounge and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out of the yard and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later, the couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their potted plants for the night. And that's when he shot her. Ken :banana:banana	kenj (9738)
1421791	2016-06-17 01:34:00	A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask, so wha tchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I wan to try someting I have hear about from odda girls.... it numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want.........Garlic Chicken wif flied lice??? :banana:banana Ken	kenj (9738)
1421792	2016-06-17 01:44:00	Just clearing out my email guys :clap May have posted them before? ******************************* A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mummy! Mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten cow', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!' ********************************* Three men married.................... The first man married a woman from the USA. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Australia. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a good dinner on the table. The third man married a woman from New Zealand. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and he could move his right arm enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees. ********************************* Two Ladies are Talking in the Hereafter: First woman: Hi! Wanda. Second woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? First woman: I froze to death. Second woman: How horrible! First woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to feel warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? Second woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. First woman: So, what happened? Second woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement... Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. First woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. ********************************* A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, It's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, ' we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, It's because you're blonde" "The next day the girl came skipping home from school once more. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered afterwards, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36c's. "Very good dear," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No, honey, it's because you're 24!" ********************************* One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His curiosity was cut short by Derek, the home-owner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.' The Postman thinks a moment then asks, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' 'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.' Ken 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....	kenj (9738)
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