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Thread ID: 57647	2005-05-08 22:39:00	Monday Laughs: *Cough* Golfing story	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
353399	2005-05-08 22:39:00	An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods . Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back unconscious, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him . Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him . "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked . "Oh, I see . Well, ye got me fair and square . Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief . "I don't want anything . I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise . I really didn't mean to hit you . " And the golfer walks off . "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself . "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him so I'll give him the three things I would want . A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life . " A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back . On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him . "T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says . "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers . "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now," he adds . "By the way, it's good to see you're all right . " "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee . I did that fer yer golf game, you know . And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states . "I win fortunes in golf . If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also" says the Leprechaun, "and tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK . " "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job . "How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "once, sometimes twice a week . " "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock . "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well, says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish . " Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
353400	2005-05-08 22:45:00	Your slipping Billy, you posted this one not so long ago. pressf1.pcworld.co.nz	Metla (12)
353401	2005-05-08 22:57:00	Four Lessons for All Workers ******************************************** A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window: "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up b***h! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her problem customer. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer: "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this b***h here is giving you a hard time?" Lesson I - If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything. ******************************************** An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......???" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind of 'key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?" Lesson II - Never insult anyone. ******************************************** There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an British and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true." The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted," VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool. The last is the British. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, ****!!!!!!!........." Lesson III - Think twice before you say something, because sometimes what you say accidentally does happen. *********************************************** A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each" So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff, and he was gone. Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted " I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. "Pfufffff, and he was also gone. The boss calmly said,"I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch" Lesson IV- Always allow the bosses to speak first.	Strommer (42)
353402	2005-05-08 23:12:00	Your slipping Billy, you posted this one not so long ago . . pcworld . co . nz/showthread . php?t=56624&highlight=Leprechaun" target="_blank">pressf1 . pcworld . co . nz Arrgghhhh!!! I am indeed Metla! :groan: I usually delete them from my list after posting but I must have forgotten last time . This is a slightly edited version, but thanks for pointing out the duplication . Cheers Billy 8-{) :( Must . . . . . . . . . . get . . . . . . . . . . . more . . . . . . . . . . . . . sleep :stare:	Billy T (70)
353403	2005-05-08 23:40:00	A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman . " The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped . " The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in . You're not to see that woman again . For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box . " The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box . He paused for a moment and then started to leave The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that . You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in . "	smithie 38 (6684)
353404	2005-05-09 01:43:00	Three vampires are sitting down in a bar asking the bartender for their drinks "I'll have a Bloody Mary", says the first vampire . "I'll have a Blood On The Rocks", says the second vampire . "I'll have a cup of hot water", says the third vampire . The other two vampires look at the third vampire strangely and ask why . highlight the following ---------------------------------- The third vampire takes a used tampon out of his pocket and says . "I'm making tea . . . . . . . " -----------------------------------	bob_doe_nz (92)
353405	2005-05-09 20:59:00	When I get some more bleeding webspace. Hurry up Orcon!!!!! Looking forward to your photos - I enjoyed your Devonport ones - lived there for 6 years. Why not put them on a free site such as http://www.webshots.com ?	Strommer (42)
353406	2005-05-09 21:04:00	Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"	Strommer (42)
353407	2005-05-10 02:58:00	A man walked into a quiet bar . He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm . He placed them one beside the other upon the bar . He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender . The bartender was surprised, but experienced enough to have learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks . They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom . He left the ducks there on the bar . The bartender was alone with the ducks . There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another . The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation . "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck . "Huey," replied the first duck . "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great . Lovely day . Had a ball . Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck . "Oh . That's nice," said the bartender . Then he said to the second duck, "Hi . And what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two . "So how's your day been, Dewey?", he asked . "Great . Lovely day . I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself . If I had the chance on another day I'd do the same again" said the duck in reply . So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," SHE said, "my name is Puddles, and don't even ask what kind of day I've had . " .	Strommer (42)
353408	2005-05-10 09:22:00	Your slipping Billy, you posted this one not so long ago. pressf1.pcworld.co.nz I was thinking the same thing. In fact the last few weeks have had repeats. :groan: Billy - you are the weakest link! Goodbye! :)	vapo (5203)
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