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Thread ID: 58373	2005-05-30 00:25:00	Monday Laughs: Always be nice to nurses	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
359615	2005-05-30 00:25:00	A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. Finally he became the responsibility of the head nurse because she was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I am your new nurse and I have come to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "Now, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" and she leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers "What's the matter Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken like this before?' After a pause, the doctor confesses, "No, not really, at least, not with a carnation I haven't." Cheers Billy 8-{) :eek:	Billy T (70)
359616	2005-05-30 01:27:00	Its tough being a Man If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work hard, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, that is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your arse and find something better. If you get a job or a promotion ahead of her, that is favoUritism. If she gets one ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If she gets paid, she says, "That's my paycheque." If you get paid, she says, "That our paycheque." If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive b*stard. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self-defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favour. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else. No wonder men die before women do....they want to!	smithie 38 (6684)
359617	2005-05-30 01:40:00	A lady goes to an art museum and examines the artwork, she then points to an object, turns to an attendant nearby and says "This I presume, is one of your hideous monstrocities you call MODERN ART..." The attendant replies. "Actually that is a mirror"	bob_doe_nz (92)
359618	2005-05-30 02:02:00	Here is one completely unrelated to nurses but I found it funny anyway :D Osama and Bush Have a Dog Fight Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."	Overdrive_5000 (4950)
359619	2005-05-30 02:26:00	Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Buford: The receptionist wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat . Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had . Buford said, "Shingles . " So she wrote down his height, weight,a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room . A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had . Buford said, "Shingles" . So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor . Finally the doctor arrived and did a quick glance at Buford's naked body . He said, "Where do you have the shingles?" Buford said, "Outside on the truck . Where do you want them?"	FoxyMX (5)
359620	2005-05-30 02:31:00	Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches . When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help . After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem . "The good news is I can cure your headaches . . . The bad news is that it will require castration . You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache . The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles . " Joe was shocked and depressed . He wondered if he had anything to live for . He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife . When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself . As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person . He could make a new beginning and live a new life . He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit . " He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit . " The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . . size 44 long . " Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit . It fit perfectly . As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . " The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck . " Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly . As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . " The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . . 9-1/2 E . " Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly . Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . " The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see . . . size 36 . " Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old . " The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34 . A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache . "	FoxyMX (5)
359621	2005-05-30 03:29:00	I think my joke book is running out of good ones to display	bob_doe_nz (92)
359622	2005-05-30 03:33:00	Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy. ''Shes out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!'' ''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!'' All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway. ''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'	Metla (12)
359623	2005-05-30 07:17:00	Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches . When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help . Hard to beat :lol:	Misty (368)
359624	2005-05-30 07:28:00	Split Up The Middle Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." "Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."	vapo (5203)
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