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Thread ID: 142427	2016-07-04 00:06:00	Monday Laughs: .....Police, Pilots, The Car-Jacker. Quiz Time etc.........	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
1422640	2016-07-04 00:06:00	. . HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" Don't mess with old people!!! ********************************* Two airline pilots chatting: P1: When did you last have sex? P2: Oh, about 1955. P1: That was a long time ago! P2: Oh, I don't think so, it's only 2130 now.:D ********************************* An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags!” The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation, got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5 feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun! ********************************* Mick from Dublin appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo" "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin." Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and said to the presenter: "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked the Presenter "Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the Presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won one million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Dat's simple Mick, it's because he lives in a Fookin clock!" ********************************* And here's a few one-liners to finish............... The gods too, are fond of a joke. - - - Aristotle The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind. - - - Joseph Stilwell There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. - - - Jack E. Leonard They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. - - - Hunter S. Thompson We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault. - - - Ashleigh Brilliant Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind. - - - John Ehrlichman What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the Bank. - - - Liberace Why are we honouring this man? Have we run out of human beings? - - - Milton Berle Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out? - - - Groucho Marx You're a parasite for sore eyes. - - - Gregory Ratoff You have delighted us long enough. - - - Jane Austen You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. - - - Jim Samuels Cheers Billy 8-{) :D There's a chance (just a slim one mind) that I may have neglected to load last week's Monday Laughs, so it is presented here today for your delectation, and with a bonus added as compensation. :blush:	Billy T (70)
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