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Thread ID: 59273	2005-06-26 21:55:00	Monday Laughs: Quotes from the warped thinking of Steven Wright	Billy T (70)	PC World Chat

Post ID	Timestamp	Content	User
367221	2005-06-26 21:55:00	His mind sees things differently from the rest of us: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Part two next week Cheers Billy 8-{) :)	Billy T (70)
367222	2005-06-27 00:07:00	Sorry if this pre-empts next week Billy but two of my favourites are:- I bought some batteries but they weren't included I've got some powdered water but I don't know what to add	Dally (6292)
367223	2005-06-27 00:48:00	Would you shoot a mime with a gun with a silencer?	netchicken (4843)
367224	2005-06-27 01:04:00	Would you shoot a mime with a gun with a silencer? Not if the mime with a gun shoots you first...	D. McG (3023)
367225	2005-06-27 01:10:00	Well Heres something I got off the Atomic Forums and thought it might give a good laugh. sal.neoburn.net :thumbs:	bob_doe_nz (92)
367226	2005-06-29 11:57:00	A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helllooooooo......," answered the blonde, they're watch dogs!" Cheers Billy 8-{)	Billy T (70)
367227	2005-06-29 21:14:00	26 reasons why men want 2 dogs and not 2 wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 6. A dog's parents never visit. 7. Dogs do not hate their bodies. 8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. 10. Dogs seldom outlive you. 11. Dogs can't talk. 12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 15. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. 20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater. 22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep. 24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck. 25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus. And, last but not least: 26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.	Strommer (42)
367228	2005-06-29 22:16:00	Just got this from a mate in usa . . . . . . . . . . . . . While riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him . Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there . Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk . " Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' good . " The Indian is shocked . . . Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian . Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good . He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play . " The Indian has a look of total disbelief . Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk . " Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?" Horse: "Good . " Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" Indicating the Indian again . Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking . He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain" The Indian stares in utter amazement . Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep is liar . "	mark c (247)
367229	2005-07-01 07:27:00	Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work." "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. " Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!" The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils. He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue. He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them. "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he? Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang. Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.	Edward (31)
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